Grieving Over Kindergarten

Dear Dr. Meg,

Well, I soaked up every second, threw my entire being into raising my little girl and now she's off to kindergarten and I'm grieving.  Grieving so hard and can't function.  How do you ever get used to this?  She's gone so much.  She did preschool and our church group and I don't regret those times at all.  They were very healthy for both of us and I thought we were ready for this, but I'm dying inside.  I miss her so much.

Sincerely,
Denise

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Dear Denise,

As another mom completely attached to my kids, I understand how you feel. Parenting is full of great joys but along with those joys come sadness too.

I have a couple of thoughts for you. First, you need to get out of the house and get your mind on other things. Focus on your work, a hobby or maybe get together with other women. In other words, make sure that you nurture your life separate from your daughter. This is not only healthy for you, but it is healthy for her. She doesn't need to know that her mother is so sad that she is at school, that she is having a hard time functioning. She needs to know that you are OK while she's away. That way, she can focus on herself, not on you.

Second, think about how proud you are that she is growing up! Our job as good moms is to prepare our kids to live their own lives and to like doing it. She is nowhere near this point, but these separations are about helping her to prepare to live on her own one day as a happy, separate person from you. Be glad about this. The fact that she can go away from you and enjoy kindergarten lets you know that you are doing somethings right!

Third, and this is the tough one, if you are grieving to the point where you can't function, then your grief is about much more than your daughter leaving. She hasn't died, she has gone to school and this is a normal, healthy process. Your grief appears to be out of proportion to the event you are gireving. Something else is going on inside of you. Deep grief over old issues can be triggered whenever we experience a change and I wonder if this change triggered something inside of you which has nothing to do with your daughter. Could you be grieving a loss that occured to you when you were young which you never dealt with? This is a strong possibility.

I suggest that you call your best friend and ask her if you can talk. If she is trustworthy and won't talk to others about your problems, tell her what you're going through. Ask he what she thinks. Not being able to function after your child leaves for kindergarden isn't normal. If you can't resolve your grief by talking to her, you need to take this time and find a good counselor to talk to. Getting yourself healthy is the best thing you can do for your daughter and for yourself.

Finally, remember that while you are going through a hard time now, it will pass. We moms go through many major transitions throughout our lives. I calculated that we go through one every 3 years. When there is change, there is loss. But, there are always good things that happen after the loss. The important thing is to learn to look forward to better days ahead. And you will have many of those with your daughter.

Regards,

Dr. Meg

Children and Sports

Dear Dr. Meg,

Can you write on children and sports?  My daughter is in first grade, is very tall and is very athletic.  Everyone around us is always asking if she is going to play volleyball or basketball.  So she has been asking when she gets to start.  We have been holding her out because we feel that it's more important to have family time.  My husband and I have read 10 habits for mothers and strong fathers strong daughters, boys will be boys.  She is in student council that meets once every few months and swim lessons once a week every once in a while not year round.  

I guess I just need a little pep talk that we are doing the right thing. We live in a city where people have their kids in one sports year around.  It's hard to find those three day clinics in the summer like we did as a kid.  A friend told me about a basketball program that was only one practice a week and a game on Saturday.  So I'm starting to slip on saying, No.  

My husband who has coached HS football in the past was asked to coach a high school feeder team.  He just asked for the details and it was for 8 year olds and under, 4-days a week for an hour game on Saturday.  He was just appalled.  I would just go back to coaching high school with that schedule.  "Plus" he said, "Parents that would put their kids in a program like that would be really annoying!"  

I just want to do the best thing for her and have been trying to listen to what she wants versus activities I would like her to be in.  What would be a good age to slowly add a small activity? 

Thanks for all you do!

Olivia
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Dear Olivia,

Hooray for you! You are absolutely right to keep your daughter home more and less involved in sports. Of course athletics can be good for kids but so many children are now over scheduled that they grow up emotionally deprived because they don't get enough parent time and this is sad.

We know that children develop self esteem by figuring out what their parents and other significant adults in their lives believe about them. If they see that a parent is proud, they feel good about themselves. If they see that a parent enjoys being with them, they feel that they are valuable, etc. So, kids discern how their parents feel and then they internalize those feelings.The catch is, that in order to figure out what their parents believe about them, children must spend enough time with their parents. Sadly, many kids don't because parents are more convinced that kids need sports, music or a thousand other extracurricular activities than they do time with them. This is absolutely NOT true.

Think back to your own childhood. Did the things which really impacted you come from piano lessons, track, basketball, etc? Or did those things come from a conversation that you had with your father or mother? Years from now, the memories which shape who your daughter becomes are going to happen while she is with you or her father, not doing a sport.

So- keep up the great work! Your daughter will continue to need more of you than she does of sports. Sure, she should have ample opportunity to play, but never at the expense of your relationship with her.


Regards,
Dr. Meg

P.S. Just because she's tall doesn't mean that she needs to play basketball or volleyball. Help her learn to handle others commenting on her height because she will get comments for the rest of her life. I know, I have a son-in-law who is 6'6" and he still gets comments and hated them growing up.