Dear Dr. Meg,
I have a situation I need advice on. My sons' step mother (with my Ex's help I'm sure) is trying everything she can to put a wedge between me and my teenage sons. He has custody because of my depression that was mostly caused by his abuse during our marriage. This woman can't have children of her own I'm told. She is constantly over stepping her bounds as a SM. I'm always trashed in public and to the boys friends' parents. She even went as far as hounding the youngest to find out the last name of my bf so she could find him on fb and msg his mother and ex-wife with lies and utter bs. Thank goodness he knew the kind of person she is and didn't believe her crap. Last night was the boys winter concert at school. My parenting time is from 5p-9p on Wednesdays. After the concert was over I tried to talk to the boys to tell them how proud I was of them both. She wouldn't let me. She litterly stepped between my youngest and I to prevent me from talking to him. She kept saying, "it's after 9". I'm not allowed to be around my sons unless it's during my parenting time but this same "rule" doesn't apply to them when the kids are with me. How can I get her to realize she is the SM not mother and she's way out of line. - Jackie
Dear Jackie-
You are in a tough parenting situation, as many parents are these days. Having another woman spend more time with your children is very painful and I can understand your frustration.
Here are a few suggestions for you. As I tell any parent in a difficult situation, change begins when you take your focus off of what your ex-husband and his wife are doing and ask yourself, what can you do? Constantly focusing on how angry you are at them won’t help you or your children because you can’t change what they say or do with your kids. The only thing that you can do is change your own behavior..
For starters, think of Romans 12:20. "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." This is a tough scripture to swallow but it’s very important. What Paul is saying is, turn things 180 degrees by doing the opposite of what everyone expects of you. Rather than feed into the war between you and your ex and his wife, work as hard as you can at being kind. This is painful but you need to do it. Don’t be nasty, don’t focus on their bad behavior and don’t be critical of them to your kids. Instead, stay positive, upbeat and kind whenever you interact with them- especially when they are with you kids. Over time, they will see that you have changed and they may be willing to work with you better.
The other important thing that doing this does, is that it allows your children to see your maturity and positive attitude (rather than seeing your depression.) This is extremely important because when your kids are older, they will have choice about spending more time with you and if they see you as upbeat and positive, they will want to be with you. If they see you and their dad at odds, they will side with him because they spend more time with him now. So, take the high road- it’s the best way that you can win your kids in the end. Remember, in a few short years, they can decide to spend as much or as little time as they want with you and you need to prepare for this. Once they are twenty, thirty and forty, you have decades when you can be with them. Focus on making those years better because that is something that you really can control.
Dr. Meg
Friday, December 27, 2013
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Are You a Sugar Addict? Here's Help
Dr. Meeker,
Have you been able to permanently kick your sugar addiction? I am trying this week to kick sugar, and it's awful! Any tips for us grown-ups? My kids are not addicted like I am.
Sincerely,
Sugar Addict
Dear Sugar Addict-
Weaning off of sugar is very hard and I do have some suggestions. First of all, in order not to set yourself up for failure, decide on a 2 week period that you plan on doing this. If you simply wake up one morning and decide to start weaning or to go "cold turkey" you won't have the mental preparation to weather through the tough days. So take your weaning seriously and set aside a specific time to do it.
Second, when you begin, eat a lot of protein. This really helped me when I weaned. The last thing you want is to feel hungry on top of craving sugar. I'm a firm believer in making one change at a time so when you ditch the sugar, you need to make sure to have enough good calories through other foods. Protein in particular can help stave off some of the cravings.
Third, if you are a diet soda drinker, stop drinking it a week before you wean from sugar. Diet sodas can actually increase your sugar cravings and they work against what you are trying to do.
Fourth, when you stop sugar, you can either go "cold turkey" or you can wean. I find weaning easier because when I stop all sugar at once, withdrawal can be hard and cravings intense for several days. So it really depends on your personality but either choice is fine. If you choose to wean, buy small packages of bite sized candy and allow yourself several a day. If, for instance, you always eat sugar for dessert, then let yourself have three or four pieces after dinner for the first few days then two for a few days and then one for a few days. If you crave chocolate, do the same with it. Stick to small peices that come already wrapped.
Fifth, embrace your cravings. I do believe that one of the reasons that we fail breaking addictions to sugar (or food) is fear. When the craving comes we feel an emotional as well as a physiologic need to give in. If you embrace the cravings when they come, tell yourself that they are good. They tell you that you are getting healthy. Tell yourself that they will pass. Sometimes we fear not indulging because we are afraid that the feelings of hunger or craving will overcome us. They won't. They will pass. So stare them in the face and don't fear them.
Finally, give yourself grace. If you indulge in half a pan of brownies, pick yourself up, don't call yourself names and begin again- determined next time to eat only one quarter of the pan. You CAN do this. It takes time and patience. So be kind to yourself but firm. Don't let yourself believe that you are a failure. You aren't and you won't be. You might bumble along the way but you can get there.
Have you been able to permanently kick your sugar addiction? I am trying this week to kick sugar, and it's awful! Any tips for us grown-ups? My kids are not addicted like I am.
Sincerely,
Sugar Addict
Dear Sugar Addict-
Weaning off of sugar is very hard and I do have some suggestions. First of all, in order not to set yourself up for failure, decide on a 2 week period that you plan on doing this. If you simply wake up one morning and decide to start weaning or to go "cold turkey" you won't have the mental preparation to weather through the tough days. So take your weaning seriously and set aside a specific time to do it.
Second, when you begin, eat a lot of protein. This really helped me when I weaned. The last thing you want is to feel hungry on top of craving sugar. I'm a firm believer in making one change at a time so when you ditch the sugar, you need to make sure to have enough good calories through other foods. Protein in particular can help stave off some of the cravings.
Third, if you are a diet soda drinker, stop drinking it a week before you wean from sugar. Diet sodas can actually increase your sugar cravings and they work against what you are trying to do.
Fourth, when you stop sugar, you can either go "cold turkey" or you can wean. I find weaning easier because when I stop all sugar at once, withdrawal can be hard and cravings intense for several days. So it really depends on your personality but either choice is fine. If you choose to wean, buy small packages of bite sized candy and allow yourself several a day. If, for instance, you always eat sugar for dessert, then let yourself have three or four pieces after dinner for the first few days then two for a few days and then one for a few days. If you crave chocolate, do the same with it. Stick to small peices that come already wrapped.
Fifth, embrace your cravings. I do believe that one of the reasons that we fail breaking addictions to sugar (or food) is fear. When the craving comes we feel an emotional as well as a physiologic need to give in. If you embrace the cravings when they come, tell yourself that they are good. They tell you that you are getting healthy. Tell yourself that they will pass. Sometimes we fear not indulging because we are afraid that the feelings of hunger or craving will overcome us. They won't. They will pass. So stare them in the face and don't fear them.
Finally, give yourself grace. If you indulge in half a pan of brownies, pick yourself up, don't call yourself names and begin again- determined next time to eat only one quarter of the pan. You CAN do this. It takes time and patience. So be kind to yourself but firm. Don't let yourself believe that you are a failure. You aren't and you won't be. You might bumble along the way but you can get there.
Friday, December 6, 2013
Helping a Bully Not Be A Bully
Dear Dr. Meg,
That is good, I need to know how to help those who are the bullies. What steps can I take to get the bullies to stop being aggressive. I am a scout leader that has some boys that when given small amounts of free time, find them constantly putting their hands on the boys that are younger and has kept the cycle going for yrs and I see it affecting my own den of boys. I want to break the circle.
Anne
Dear Anne-
Thank you for being a scout leader. We need more men and women sacrificing their time to help boys learn the importance of hard work, integrity and service. When dealing with bullies, you basically have two choices: reprimand the bullies or encourage the non-bullies to counteract bullying behavior. That's what counselor Beth Maday at St. Francis Highschool did and it worked.
I would recommend that you try a combination of the two. First, make sure to talk to the boys about un-Scout like behavior when they are in a group. Tell them that great Scouts don't put their hands all over each other, etc. If you find a scout acting like this, single him out and make him leave the troop for a bit.
Then, I would find some service activities that the whole group can do together. There's nothing like asking a group of boys to find ways to bless others to build cooperation and cohesiveness. Have them brainstorm about things they could do for others. Could they go to an elderly person's home and clean the garage, snow-blow the driveway or bring a meal? Having boys work as a unit to benefit others is a great way to get the focus off of themselves and encourage empathy and selflessness to counter the selfishness of bullying.
Reprimanding bad behavior combined with training them in compassion and cooperation can be a powerful way to comabat bullying. As Christmas approaches, you have ample opportunities to find ways to have the boys serve to others. I believe that you will find that they will really enjoy it.
Dr. Meg
That is good, I need to know how to help those who are the bullies. What steps can I take to get the bullies to stop being aggressive. I am a scout leader that has some boys that when given small amounts of free time, find them constantly putting their hands on the boys that are younger and has kept the cycle going for yrs and I see it affecting my own den of boys. I want to break the circle.
Anne
Dear Anne-
Thank you for being a scout leader. We need more men and women sacrificing their time to help boys learn the importance of hard work, integrity and service. When dealing with bullies, you basically have two choices: reprimand the bullies or encourage the non-bullies to counteract bullying behavior. That's what counselor Beth Maday at St. Francis Highschool did and it worked.
I would recommend that you try a combination of the two. First, make sure to talk to the boys about un-Scout like behavior when they are in a group. Tell them that great Scouts don't put their hands all over each other, etc. If you find a scout acting like this, single him out and make him leave the troop for a bit.
Then, I would find some service activities that the whole group can do together. There's nothing like asking a group of boys to find ways to bless others to build cooperation and cohesiveness. Have them brainstorm about things they could do for others. Could they go to an elderly person's home and clean the garage, snow-blow the driveway or bring a meal? Having boys work as a unit to benefit others is a great way to get the focus off of themselves and encourage empathy and selflessness to counter the selfishness of bullying.
Reprimanding bad behavior combined with training them in compassion and cooperation can be a powerful way to comabat bullying. As Christmas approaches, you have ample opportunities to find ways to have the boys serve to others. I believe that you will find that they will really enjoy it.
Dr. Meg
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)