Dear Dr. Meg,
My 16 year old daughter is rude & insulting! We did not raise her this way! She says she is just expressing herself & cannot get her to understand how she could be hurting people! She also has very little respect for any authority (parents, teachers, pastors, law enforcement, etc.) We only have 2 years left! Please help!
-Mom
Dear Mom-
Here’s the answer in a nutshell. Your daughter is rude because she can be. Period. Like every teen in America, she sees rudeness everywhere she goes. She probably hears kids talking back to teachers, swearing and acting obnoxious to their parents on television, she listens to music where obscene language is used and she pays attention when her friends criticize their parents. She lives in a very tough world.
Your daughter is literally being trained by others around her to be rude, so in her mind, why shouldn’t she be? She knows that you aren’t going anywhere and that she can treat you however she wants because you will listen- at least, until you’re tired of taking it.
One of the worst things a parent can do is to allow their child to live this way. Yes, she is being influenced by outside sources but it is still your job as her mother to make sure she understands that being rude isn’t going to work well for her- now or in the long run. She can’t hold a job if she’s rude to her boss and she won’t stay married long if she’s rude to her husband. It’s on your shoulders to help her avoid terrible pain when she’s older so you need to intervene ASAP. Here’s what I would do if she were in my home and I know this works. I’ve seen hundreds of kids like your daughter.
First, do some investigating. What is it that your daughter believes she really needs or that she really loves? Is it her phone, time with friends, soccer, piano, movies? Find her Achilles heel. Once you have identified one or two (and it’s usually pretty easy) then you know exactly what you need to take away to make your point. Then, sit down with her during a time when the two of you are calm and getting along. Tell her something like this. “We have a problem. I have noticed over the past couple of years that you have acquired a habit of being rude and this is really unhealthy for you. No one can be happy living with this amount of rudeness. So I’m going to help you get over this habit. Here’s what we’re going to do. Whenever I hear you say (repeat what she says when rude)…… or yell at me or Dad, slam doors or…… then I must take your phone (or whatever is her Achilles heel) away for one week. If you stop the rudeness, then I will give you the phone back after seven days. If not, then I will have to extend the time to two weeks.”
At this point, she will yell, tell you that you are a bad mother and have a rip roaring temper tantrum. Oh well. Sit and listen. When she calms down, keep going. If she runs out of the room, try again later. The point is never give up.
Here’s the deal. EVERY child has a weak point. And- you hold all the power. Parents forget this. Without you, she wouldn’t have a roof over her head, a nice bed, driver’s license, etc. The only reason that you give your power away is because you choose to. Getting a child’s rude behavior under control is war and it takes a lot of energy. That means that when you start this process, you don’t back down until she’s broken her habit. It may take one week, one month or two months but I promise, when you’ve had enough, she’ll break.
Don’t start this process until you are really geared up for it because if you tell her what you will do when she’s rude and you fail to enforce the consequences, she will think that you are weak and not serious. Worse, she will disrespect you even more. So choose a time when you have time to devote the energy.
Many years ago, one of my kids told me to “shut up.” We were both exhausted and frustrated but I had a rule in our home that no one (including me and my husband) was ever to speak disrespectfully to one another. So, when she said this, I immediately told her that she was grounded for one month. Within minutes I realized what I had just done to myself- I had committed myself to being home with her every day after school for one month. Just her and I- alone- every day! I panicked. But- since I had said it, war was declared.
The first week was tough. But I refused to relent and after the month was over, my daughter I got along better than ever. That was over 20 years ago and she hasn’t spoken disrespectfully since.
You can do the same but you need to have nerves of steel and mean business. Don’t be mean, rude or disrespectful. On the contrary, tell yourself that you would be a bad mother to allow this terrible behavior to continue. Be tough. You can do it.
