Winning Over Sibling Wars

Dear Dr. Meg,

Can you address the back talking and sibling fighting constantly.

- Carol

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Dear Carol-

One of the toughest things for a parent to hear is her children fighting. (Imagine how hard it is for children to hear their parents fighting.) I feel strongly that God wants us to speak respectfully and kindly to one another in our families. This is how we communicate love and respect. Unfortunately, because our kids hear so much vile language around them at school, on television, etc, most kids don’t learn to speak well to one another.

Here’s what I would do. Sit all the kids in the family down (as long as they are older than two) and have a chat. Tell them the rules of the house. Inform them how they are (and are not) allowed to talk to one another. Also describe the tone they are allowed to use toward one another. Tell them that this is how you and their father speak to them (and to one another) and this is the way it will be in your home, regardless what they hear elsewhere. Then, say that they will all be practicing a new way of talking for the next 2 weeks (or month.) When someone is caught being mean or fighting, they will be sent to their room. If two are fighting, regardless who started the fight, both go to their rooms.

Then, do what you say. You (and their father) must be disciplined about how you talk to them and to one another. Additionally, once you have set the rules, you must be ready to be on top of their speech and fighting. For the time being, don’t worry about disciplining them for other things. You need to win this war now. If someone breaks the rules, they go to their room (or whatever other penalty you feel works - taking away television, going to bed early, whatever.)

Second, at dinner time, tell each child to talk about something they like about the person to their right or left. Have each family member practice saying positive things about another and this will begin to change the way they think about one another.

This can actually be a fun way to intervene when kids are fighting. If you hear an argument, walk into the room and demand that the ones arguing say one nice thing about the other. I had a friend do this when her four kids were in the back of the car fighting. She pulled the car over, and refused to drive again until they each said something nice about the other. Her young son told his sister that he liked the way egg salad got caught in her braces when she ate. He was serious and they all laughed. This can be a great way to diffuse fighting.

Dr. Meg