Grieving Over Kindergarten

Dear Dr. Meg,

Well, I soaked up every second, threw my entire being into raising my little girl and now she's off to kindergarten and I'm grieving.  Grieving so hard and can't function.  How do you ever get used to this?  She's gone so much.  She did preschool and our church group and I don't regret those times at all.  They were very healthy for both of us and I thought we were ready for this, but I'm dying inside.  I miss her so much.

Sincerely,
Denise

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Dear Denise,

As another mom completely attached to my kids, I understand how you feel. Parenting is full of great joys but along with those joys come sadness too.

I have a couple of thoughts for you. First, you need to get out of the house and get your mind on other things. Focus on your work, a hobby or maybe get together with other women. In other words, make sure that you nurture your life separate from your daughter. This is not only healthy for you, but it is healthy for her. She doesn't need to know that her mother is so sad that she is at school, that she is having a hard time functioning. She needs to know that you are OK while she's away. That way, she can focus on herself, not on you.

Second, think about how proud you are that she is growing up! Our job as good moms is to prepare our kids to live their own lives and to like doing it. She is nowhere near this point, but these separations are about helping her to prepare to live on her own one day as a happy, separate person from you. Be glad about this. The fact that she can go away from you and enjoy kindergarten lets you know that you are doing somethings right!

Third, and this is the tough one, if you are grieving to the point where you can't function, then your grief is about much more than your daughter leaving. She hasn't died, she has gone to school and this is a normal, healthy process. Your grief appears to be out of proportion to the event you are gireving. Something else is going on inside of you. Deep grief over old issues can be triggered whenever we experience a change and I wonder if this change triggered something inside of you which has nothing to do with your daughter. Could you be grieving a loss that occured to you when you were young which you never dealt with? This is a strong possibility.

I suggest that you call your best friend and ask her if you can talk. If she is trustworthy and won't talk to others about your problems, tell her what you're going through. Ask he what she thinks. Not being able to function after your child leaves for kindergarden isn't normal. If you can't resolve your grief by talking to her, you need to take this time and find a good counselor to talk to. Getting yourself healthy is the best thing you can do for your daughter and for yourself.

Finally, remember that while you are going through a hard time now, it will pass. We moms go through many major transitions throughout our lives. I calculated that we go through one every 3 years. When there is change, there is loss. But, there are always good things that happen after the loss. The important thing is to learn to look forward to better days ahead. And you will have many of those with your daughter.

Regards,

Dr. Meg