Dear Dr. Meg,
I have a situation I need advice on. My sons' step mother (with my Ex's help I'm sure) is trying everything she can to put a wedge between me and my teenage sons. He has custody because of my depression that was mostly caused by his abuse during our marriage. This woman can't have children of her own I'm told. She is constantly over stepping her bounds as a SM. I'm always trashed in public and to the boys friends' parents. She even went as far as hounding the youngest to find out the last name of my bf so she could find him on fb and msg his mother and ex-wife with lies and utter bs. Thank goodness he knew the kind of person she is and didn't believe her crap. Last night was the boys winter concert at school. My parenting time is from 5p-9p on Wednesdays. After the concert was over I tried to talk to the boys to tell them how proud I was of them both. She wouldn't let me. She litterly stepped between my youngest and I to prevent me from talking to him. She kept saying, "it's after 9". I'm not allowed to be around my sons unless it's during my parenting time but this same "rule" doesn't apply to them when the kids are with me. How can I get her to realize she is the SM not mother and she's way out of line. - Jackie
Dear Jackie-
You are in a tough parenting situation, as many parents are these days. Having another woman spend more time with your children is very painful and I can understand your frustration.
Here are a few suggestions for you. As I tell any parent in a difficult situation, change begins when you take your focus off of what your ex-husband and his wife are doing and ask yourself, what can you do? Constantly focusing on how angry you are at them won’t help you or your children because you can’t change what they say or do with your kids. The only thing that you can do is change your own behavior..
For starters, think of Romans 12:20. "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." This is a tough scripture to swallow but it’s very important. What Paul is saying is, turn things 180 degrees by doing the opposite of what everyone expects of you. Rather than feed into the war between you and your ex and his wife, work as hard as you can at being kind. This is painful but you need to do it. Don’t be nasty, don’t focus on their bad behavior and don’t be critical of them to your kids. Instead, stay positive, upbeat and kind whenever you interact with them- especially when they are with you kids. Over time, they will see that you have changed and they may be willing to work with you better.
The other important thing that doing this does, is that it allows your children to see your maturity and positive attitude (rather than seeing your depression.) This is extremely important because when your kids are older, they will have choice about spending more time with you and if they see you as upbeat and positive, they will want to be with you. If they see you and their dad at odds, they will side with him because they spend more time with him now. So, take the high road- it’s the best way that you can win your kids in the end. Remember, in a few short years, they can decide to spend as much or as little time as they want with you and you need to prepare for this. Once they are twenty, thirty and forty, you have decades when you can be with them. Focus on making those years better because that is something that you really can control.
Dr. Meg
Friday, December 27, 2013
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Are You a Sugar Addict? Here's Help
Dr. Meeker,
Have you been able to permanently kick your sugar addiction? I am trying this week to kick sugar, and it's awful! Any tips for us grown-ups? My kids are not addicted like I am.
Sincerely,
Sugar Addict
Dear Sugar Addict-
Weaning off of sugar is very hard and I do have some suggestions. First of all, in order not to set yourself up for failure, decide on a 2 week period that you plan on doing this. If you simply wake up one morning and decide to start weaning or to go "cold turkey" you won't have the mental preparation to weather through the tough days. So take your weaning seriously and set aside a specific time to do it.
Second, when you begin, eat a lot of protein. This really helped me when I weaned. The last thing you want is to feel hungry on top of craving sugar. I'm a firm believer in making one change at a time so when you ditch the sugar, you need to make sure to have enough good calories through other foods. Protein in particular can help stave off some of the cravings.
Third, if you are a diet soda drinker, stop drinking it a week before you wean from sugar. Diet sodas can actually increase your sugar cravings and they work against what you are trying to do.
Fourth, when you stop sugar, you can either go "cold turkey" or you can wean. I find weaning easier because when I stop all sugar at once, withdrawal can be hard and cravings intense for several days. So it really depends on your personality but either choice is fine. If you choose to wean, buy small packages of bite sized candy and allow yourself several a day. If, for instance, you always eat sugar for dessert, then let yourself have three or four pieces after dinner for the first few days then two for a few days and then one for a few days. If you crave chocolate, do the same with it. Stick to small peices that come already wrapped.
Fifth, embrace your cravings. I do believe that one of the reasons that we fail breaking addictions to sugar (or food) is fear. When the craving comes we feel an emotional as well as a physiologic need to give in. If you embrace the cravings when they come, tell yourself that they are good. They tell you that you are getting healthy. Tell yourself that they will pass. Sometimes we fear not indulging because we are afraid that the feelings of hunger or craving will overcome us. They won't. They will pass. So stare them in the face and don't fear them.
Finally, give yourself grace. If you indulge in half a pan of brownies, pick yourself up, don't call yourself names and begin again- determined next time to eat only one quarter of the pan. You CAN do this. It takes time and patience. So be kind to yourself but firm. Don't let yourself believe that you are a failure. You aren't and you won't be. You might bumble along the way but you can get there.
Have you been able to permanently kick your sugar addiction? I am trying this week to kick sugar, and it's awful! Any tips for us grown-ups? My kids are not addicted like I am.
Sincerely,
Sugar Addict
Dear Sugar Addict-
Weaning off of sugar is very hard and I do have some suggestions. First of all, in order not to set yourself up for failure, decide on a 2 week period that you plan on doing this. If you simply wake up one morning and decide to start weaning or to go "cold turkey" you won't have the mental preparation to weather through the tough days. So take your weaning seriously and set aside a specific time to do it.
Second, when you begin, eat a lot of protein. This really helped me when I weaned. The last thing you want is to feel hungry on top of craving sugar. I'm a firm believer in making one change at a time so when you ditch the sugar, you need to make sure to have enough good calories through other foods. Protein in particular can help stave off some of the cravings.
Third, if you are a diet soda drinker, stop drinking it a week before you wean from sugar. Diet sodas can actually increase your sugar cravings and they work against what you are trying to do.
Fourth, when you stop sugar, you can either go "cold turkey" or you can wean. I find weaning easier because when I stop all sugar at once, withdrawal can be hard and cravings intense for several days. So it really depends on your personality but either choice is fine. If you choose to wean, buy small packages of bite sized candy and allow yourself several a day. If, for instance, you always eat sugar for dessert, then let yourself have three or four pieces after dinner for the first few days then two for a few days and then one for a few days. If you crave chocolate, do the same with it. Stick to small peices that come already wrapped.
Fifth, embrace your cravings. I do believe that one of the reasons that we fail breaking addictions to sugar (or food) is fear. When the craving comes we feel an emotional as well as a physiologic need to give in. If you embrace the cravings when they come, tell yourself that they are good. They tell you that you are getting healthy. Tell yourself that they will pass. Sometimes we fear not indulging because we are afraid that the feelings of hunger or craving will overcome us. They won't. They will pass. So stare them in the face and don't fear them.
Finally, give yourself grace. If you indulge in half a pan of brownies, pick yourself up, don't call yourself names and begin again- determined next time to eat only one quarter of the pan. You CAN do this. It takes time and patience. So be kind to yourself but firm. Don't let yourself believe that you are a failure. You aren't and you won't be. You might bumble along the way but you can get there.
Friday, December 6, 2013
Helping a Bully Not Be A Bully
Dear Dr. Meg,
That is good, I need to know how to help those who are the bullies. What steps can I take to get the bullies to stop being aggressive. I am a scout leader that has some boys that when given small amounts of free time, find them constantly putting their hands on the boys that are younger and has kept the cycle going for yrs and I see it affecting my own den of boys. I want to break the circle.
Anne
Dear Anne-
Thank you for being a scout leader. We need more men and women sacrificing their time to help boys learn the importance of hard work, integrity and service. When dealing with bullies, you basically have two choices: reprimand the bullies or encourage the non-bullies to counteract bullying behavior. That's what counselor Beth Maday at St. Francis Highschool did and it worked.
I would recommend that you try a combination of the two. First, make sure to talk to the boys about un-Scout like behavior when they are in a group. Tell them that great Scouts don't put their hands all over each other, etc. If you find a scout acting like this, single him out and make him leave the troop for a bit.
Then, I would find some service activities that the whole group can do together. There's nothing like asking a group of boys to find ways to bless others to build cooperation and cohesiveness. Have them brainstorm about things they could do for others. Could they go to an elderly person's home and clean the garage, snow-blow the driveway or bring a meal? Having boys work as a unit to benefit others is a great way to get the focus off of themselves and encourage empathy and selflessness to counter the selfishness of bullying.
Reprimanding bad behavior combined with training them in compassion and cooperation can be a powerful way to comabat bullying. As Christmas approaches, you have ample opportunities to find ways to have the boys serve to others. I believe that you will find that they will really enjoy it.
Dr. Meg
That is good, I need to know how to help those who are the bullies. What steps can I take to get the bullies to stop being aggressive. I am a scout leader that has some boys that when given small amounts of free time, find them constantly putting their hands on the boys that are younger and has kept the cycle going for yrs and I see it affecting my own den of boys. I want to break the circle.
Anne
Dear Anne-
Thank you for being a scout leader. We need more men and women sacrificing their time to help boys learn the importance of hard work, integrity and service. When dealing with bullies, you basically have two choices: reprimand the bullies or encourage the non-bullies to counteract bullying behavior. That's what counselor Beth Maday at St. Francis Highschool did and it worked.
I would recommend that you try a combination of the two. First, make sure to talk to the boys about un-Scout like behavior when they are in a group. Tell them that great Scouts don't put their hands all over each other, etc. If you find a scout acting like this, single him out and make him leave the troop for a bit.
Then, I would find some service activities that the whole group can do together. There's nothing like asking a group of boys to find ways to bless others to build cooperation and cohesiveness. Have them brainstorm about things they could do for others. Could they go to an elderly person's home and clean the garage, snow-blow the driveway or bring a meal? Having boys work as a unit to benefit others is a great way to get the focus off of themselves and encourage empathy and selflessness to counter the selfishness of bullying.
Reprimanding bad behavior combined with training them in compassion and cooperation can be a powerful way to comabat bullying. As Christmas approaches, you have ample opportunities to find ways to have the boys serve to others. I believe that you will find that they will really enjoy it.
Dr. Meg
Friday, November 29, 2013
New Baby and an Older Sibling - Diffusing jealousy
Dear Dr. Meg
I have a four year old daughter and I am expecting baby #2 in February. What are some ways that my husband and I can make this change easier on our daughter? - April
Dear April-
Most older siblings feel jealous at the arrival of a new baby and this is normal but there are a few tricks you can use to help ease the transition. I recommend having the baby “give” a gift to your daughter when she comes to see the baby for the first time in the hospital. Also, at four, your daughter is old enough to help hold the baby and comfort her with your help. If you breast feed the baby, you might also think about getting a baby doll (one that looks like an infant not a toddler) and have your daughter take care of her baby doll as you care for her little sister or brother. She may feel a bit old to do this, but give it a try.
Once you are back on your feet, ask a family member or get a sitter to stay with the baby once a week for a couple of hours and take your daughter out for some alone time. This doesn’t have to be more than going to the grocery store, but if you tack on a trip for hot chocolate afterwards, it can make the time very special. When you are out, tell her how fun it is to do things with you that her younger sibling can’t do with you. A little alone time goes a long way for little ones.
Some jealousy is very normal, as is a bit of regressive behavior. For instance, some older siblings want to start sleeping with their parents and may act younger than their age. This usually lasts for a couple of months and then the older child begins acting his/her age. So, if your daughter does begin acting more like a three year old, don’t be disturbed, it will pass.
Children are always a blessing. I encourage you to act excited about the baby and not worry too much about your daughter. If you expect her to handle the transition well, she is far more likely to. If you show your enthusiasm and tell her that the baby will be a blessing to the whole family, she is more likely to see the baby this way too. Remember, that at four, your daughter reads every move you make and word you say. That means, if you are worried about her, she’ll pick up on it. So try to relax and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.
Dr. Meg
I have a four year old daughter and I am expecting baby #2 in February. What are some ways that my husband and I can make this change easier on our daughter? - April
Dear April-
Most older siblings feel jealous at the arrival of a new baby and this is normal but there are a few tricks you can use to help ease the transition. I recommend having the baby “give” a gift to your daughter when she comes to see the baby for the first time in the hospital. Also, at four, your daughter is old enough to help hold the baby and comfort her with your help. If you breast feed the baby, you might also think about getting a baby doll (one that looks like an infant not a toddler) and have your daughter take care of her baby doll as you care for her little sister or brother. She may feel a bit old to do this, but give it a try.
Once you are back on your feet, ask a family member or get a sitter to stay with the baby once a week for a couple of hours and take your daughter out for some alone time. This doesn’t have to be more than going to the grocery store, but if you tack on a trip for hot chocolate afterwards, it can make the time very special. When you are out, tell her how fun it is to do things with you that her younger sibling can’t do with you. A little alone time goes a long way for little ones.
Some jealousy is very normal, as is a bit of regressive behavior. For instance, some older siblings want to start sleeping with their parents and may act younger than their age. This usually lasts for a couple of months and then the older child begins acting his/her age. So, if your daughter does begin acting more like a three year old, don’t be disturbed, it will pass.
Children are always a blessing. I encourage you to act excited about the baby and not worry too much about your daughter. If you expect her to handle the transition well, she is far more likely to. If you show your enthusiasm and tell her that the baby will be a blessing to the whole family, she is more likely to see the baby this way too. Remember, that at four, your daughter reads every move you make and word you say. That means, if you are worried about her, she’ll pick up on it. So try to relax and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.
Dr. Meg
Friday, November 22, 2013
Should a married man visit his parents even if his wife say NO?
Dr. Dr. Meg,
How should the relationship of a grown son be with his parents after he gets married? Should the son call/visit his parents even if his wife tells him not to? Should he forsake his parents for the sake of pleasing his wife? Is it OK to hold his children as leverage to get what he wants?( his parents can only see the kids when it is convenient for him and his wife or when they want something in return) - Mom
Dear Mom-
Once a man is married, biblically, he “cleaves” to his wife. That means, of course, that he binds himself to her and separates himself from his parents. The problem for many men, however, is that when they cleave to their wives, they stick to their wives’ good sides and their bad sides. That’s the tough news for us wives.
I believe that wives must do everything possible to help husbands have healthy relationships with their parents. If he has unresolved hurts, she should help him heal those. If he has never gotten along with them, she should do whatever she can to smooth things over between him and his parents.
Many men have unhealthy relationships with their parents and this can be tough for wives. Some men are tied to their mothers in unhealthy ways and talk with them every day and ask for their advice on too many issues. Of course, this would make a wife jealous. Rather than criticizing his mother and telling him not to speak with her, it would be far more effective to help him recognize that perhaps there are unhealthy parts of the relationship and help him understand those so that he can change them. Once you get to the point of “forbidding him” to see his folks, you have gotten to the point where he’s forced to choose sides and no one wins when that happens.
As far as forsaking his parents to please his wife, ideally men should never be in a position where they are forced to choose. If they are in that situation, either the wife or the parent is acting extremely unreasonable. Sure, if his parents are abusive, always drunk when you visit or excessively cruel to his family, it is perfectly reasonable for a wife to tell him that she will no longer visit until they behave but it may not be reasonable to demand that her husband stop seeing them. If he wants to subject himself to their bad behavior, that’s his prerogative.
Of course, fathers should never use their children as pawns in a relationship. Problems between adults should stay between the two with the problem and children must always be left out of the middle. They should never be used as leverage for anyone to get what they want.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
How Do I Teach My 4 Year Old About Personal Space?
Dear Dr. Meg,
We have 3 boys under 3 right now (17 months between each).. The oldest who is almost 4 has the hardest time with self control -- I am very diligent on trying to explain why and angle it in a thousand different ways but where he goes he is constantly putting his hands on other kids... Not always aggressive but needs touch... Smothering them at times... How can I get the concept of personal/individual space… ~Busy Mom of 3
Dear Busy Mom of 3-
At his age, he really can’t understand the idea of personal space because cognitively he doesn’t have the maturity. So trying to get him to understand is useless. Many children are very tactile - they want a lot of touch. The best way to help him is to make sure that he has a lot of toys with different textures - especially ones that he can take to bed with him.
If he isn’t being aggressive with other children but is smothering with his hugs and touching, keep your directions for keeping his hands to himself very simple. Tell him that he can’t touch other people that he doesn’t know (kids in school or at church.) Also, if he touches his siblings too much, I would find some alternative for him. Tell him that when he feels like touching others, he needs to go get a specific stuffed animal say. So rather than simply tell him “just don’t touch” you are giving him an option to do something else.
Finally, could he be reaching out for touch because he’s trying to get attention? If you think that this is the case, then I would encourage you or his dad to find a small amount of time (1 hour) once per week where you can take him do something alone together. It doesn’t have to be special time, just take him on errands with you alone. This can go a long way in filling that need for attention.
We have 3 boys under 3 right now (17 months between each).. The oldest who is almost 4 has the hardest time with self control -- I am very diligent on trying to explain why and angle it in a thousand different ways but where he goes he is constantly putting his hands on other kids... Not always aggressive but needs touch... Smothering them at times... How can I get the concept of personal/individual space… ~Busy Mom of 3
Dear Busy Mom of 3-
At his age, he really can’t understand the idea of personal space because cognitively he doesn’t have the maturity. So trying to get him to understand is useless. Many children are very tactile - they want a lot of touch. The best way to help him is to make sure that he has a lot of toys with different textures - especially ones that he can take to bed with him.
If he isn’t being aggressive with other children but is smothering with his hugs and touching, keep your directions for keeping his hands to himself very simple. Tell him that he can’t touch other people that he doesn’t know (kids in school or at church.) Also, if he touches his siblings too much, I would find some alternative for him. Tell him that when he feels like touching others, he needs to go get a specific stuffed animal say. So rather than simply tell him “just don’t touch” you are giving him an option to do something else.
Finally, could he be reaching out for touch because he’s trying to get attention? If you think that this is the case, then I would encourage you or his dad to find a small amount of time (1 hour) once per week where you can take him do something alone together. It doesn’t have to be special time, just take him on errands with you alone. This can go a long way in filling that need for attention.
Loving Your Children without Causing Rivalry
Dr Meeker, I (currently) have two little girls, aged 28 months and 14 months old. I love them both excessively! Even at such young ages, I am very aware that they are different people, with different likes and personalities. My eldest is reserved, quiet, thoughtful, and I love her for that. My youngest is loud, bubbly, talkative and cuddly, and I love her for that. How do I, as their daddy, love them both differently (because of their different likes/personalities/love languages), yet without causing sibling jealousy or rivalry? Little children perceive fairness and love in terms of 'my sister got a pink purse, so I want one too', and when they don't they think they're not loved as much. How can I do one thing with one daughter (for example going to the zoo), without necessarily doing the same with the other (rather instead going to a movie), all the while without causing disharmony? Particularly when children don't/can't understand that I can love each of them, but differently. Many thanks! ~Conscientious Dad
Dear Conscientious Dad-
I don’t think that you have anything in the world to worry about. Your love for each of your daughters as unique persons is evident in your writing and this love that you have in your heart for each is what really matters to them. Yes, your daughters will watch to see who gets what and how much time the other gets with you but most importantly each of your daughters will look at your face and figure out who you love most. So, if you feel the same intensity of love for each, that will show through very clearly.
I would suggest that as the girls grow, you show them that you love that they are very different. Applaud one’s strength in front of the other and vice versa. This will diffuse any sense of competition for your approval that they may feel. I think that it’s also important that you give each “special time” with Dad and then let them pick what they want to do with that time. That way, the choice of going to a movie or going to the zoo will be their’s, not your’s.
All siblings are competitive with one another and that’s not all bad. What you want to avoid as a father is having one feel that you favor her over the other. The only way that happens is if one parent genuinely favors one and “can’t help” but spend more time with her. Since you are right on top of things and clearly a sensitive, conscientious Dad, I really don’t think you need to worry.
Dear Conscientious Dad-
I don’t think that you have anything in the world to worry about. Your love for each of your daughters as unique persons is evident in your writing and this love that you have in your heart for each is what really matters to them. Yes, your daughters will watch to see who gets what and how much time the other gets with you but most importantly each of your daughters will look at your face and figure out who you love most. So, if you feel the same intensity of love for each, that will show through very clearly.
I would suggest that as the girls grow, you show them that you love that they are very different. Applaud one’s strength in front of the other and vice versa. This will diffuse any sense of competition for your approval that they may feel. I think that it’s also important that you give each “special time” with Dad and then let them pick what they want to do with that time. That way, the choice of going to a movie or going to the zoo will be their’s, not your’s.
All siblings are competitive with one another and that’s not all bad. What you want to avoid as a father is having one feel that you favor her over the other. The only way that happens is if one parent genuinely favors one and “can’t help” but spend more time with her. Since you are right on top of things and clearly a sensitive, conscientious Dad, I really don’t think you need to worry.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Raising a Young Child While Dealing with a Difficult Divorce
Dr. Meeker
I am writing to you in desperation. I need your advice as well as input on a situation I am dealing with. I know you must be a very busy person and you may not have the time. I am a soon to be single father of a 5 1/2 year old little girl. My older brother gave me your book when my daughter was a couple of months from being born. Since that time I have either read or listened to your book on tape about every 6 to 8 months. It is, without a doubt, my favorite book.
I am a licensed professional. I was the assistant manager before I quit to be a stay-at-home Dad. I was at this particular facility my entire career (just over 21 years). Currently, I am going through a divorce and am in the midst of a very contentious custody dispute. My wife has numerous issues that date back to when she was not even a teenager. She is also adopted. Its because of this, I don't feel she is capable of being a good parent. After serving me divorce papers, I needed to vent. I did so by writing a very long letter detailing a lot (but not all) of what she has and has not done. I haven't given it to her, yet, because of the ongoing custody dispute. We have recently been assigned a PRE (Parental Responsibilities Evaluator) to help determine parenting time and custody. My wife wants a 50/50 split. I feel it is in my daughter's best interest that it be no more than 70/30 at this time. I would like for you to read this letter and give me your thoughts. It is long- 23 pages and if you don't comfortable for whatever reason, I understand. Let me know and I can email it to you. Thank you for your time.
A Desperate Dad
Dear Desperate Dad-
Thank you for your letters regarding your pain over the divorce and custody battles that you are experiencing with your wife and daughter. I am so sorry that you are going through this. And yes, I have read every word that you wrote about your wife's issues. I have a few suggestions for you.
First, regarding your wife's ongoing affairs and boyfriends coming and going out of her home, this is very harmful for your daughter. As a mother, I think that bringing other men into the picture while you have small children in the home is bad parenting. I feel strongly about this, so if any of you single Moms are reading, here's the best thing for your child: the child comes first and your romantic relationships must go on the back burner until your child is much older (at least well into the teen years.) If one parent has died, dating can be a different story. But when a divorce has occurred, in the child's eyes, there's one Mom and one Dad that she needs to connect with.
There is nothing that you can do to stop your ex-wife though. You could try reason, ask a counselor to tell her to stop, but I doubt that will work. Your only option is to have the court order her to stop bringing men over, citing that having a boyfriend around puts your daughter at a much higher risk for both sexual and physical abuse. But, the courts probably won't demand this from her.
Since your hands are tied, it is important for you to help your daughter. DON'T tell her that her mother is bad. This will only turn her against you because she has to get along with her Mom. Tell her that you disagree with her mother dating and that you are there at all times to talk to her about anything that happens at her mother's. Tell her that you aren't going to date because she is your number one priority now and that you are going to do things differently. Speak very cautiously so as not to malign her mother, even though you have anger towards her.
Take the high road, always. No dating, no bringing women over, just keep your home as calm and anxiety free as possible for your daughter so that she loves being there with you. Focus on her when she's there. Give her attention, take her to do fun things but also make sure to do regular things as well. Give her chores. Help her do her homework. Keep life "normal." I can tell you that I have seen many fathers in your situation before and the ones who end up having strong relationships with their daughters in the long run are those dads that continue to act like grown-ups, keep their home environments safe, orderly, calm and loving for their daughters. At some point in her life, your daughter is going to decide which way she wants to live. Does she want to run around with a lot of men or does she want to live a life of integrity, honesty and commitment? She will decide when she is in her twenties so your job is to continue to model this lifestyle until she gets there. Friend, you have a long way to go because she's young, but I strongly encourage you to hang in there. She's worth every bit of the work!
Finally, ask family for support if you have it available. Have your daughter spend time with other adults who think like you and aspire to live the way you do. The more adults she sees who aren't sexually promiscuous, who don't drink too much, who do have a strong faith, the more likely she is to adopt their lifestyles.
I know this feels overwhelming to you but you CAN raise a beautiful, strong, healthy daughter who doesn't grow up to do stupid things. Unfortunately for you, the responsibility rests on your shoulders alone because of her mother's behavior. But know one thing: every daughter looks up to her Dad to be her hero. So stop focusing on all the the bad things her mother is doing and focus on being that little girl's hero and you will win.
I am writing to you in desperation. I need your advice as well as input on a situation I am dealing with. I know you must be a very busy person and you may not have the time. I am a soon to be single father of a 5 1/2 year old little girl. My older brother gave me your book when my daughter was a couple of months from being born. Since that time I have either read or listened to your book on tape about every 6 to 8 months. It is, without a doubt, my favorite book.
I am a licensed professional. I was the assistant manager before I quit to be a stay-at-home Dad. I was at this particular facility my entire career (just over 21 years). Currently, I am going through a divorce and am in the midst of a very contentious custody dispute. My wife has numerous issues that date back to when she was not even a teenager. She is also adopted. Its because of this, I don't feel she is capable of being a good parent. After serving me divorce papers, I needed to vent. I did so by writing a very long letter detailing a lot (but not all) of what she has and has not done. I haven't given it to her, yet, because of the ongoing custody dispute. We have recently been assigned a PRE (Parental Responsibilities Evaluator) to help determine parenting time and custody. My wife wants a 50/50 split. I feel it is in my daughter's best interest that it be no more than 70/30 at this time. I would like for you to read this letter and give me your thoughts. It is long- 23 pages and if you don't comfortable for whatever reason, I understand. Let me know and I can email it to you. Thank you for your time.
A Desperate Dad
Dear Desperate Dad-
Thank you for your letters regarding your pain over the divorce and custody battles that you are experiencing with your wife and daughter. I am so sorry that you are going through this. And yes, I have read every word that you wrote about your wife's issues. I have a few suggestions for you.
First, regarding your wife's ongoing affairs and boyfriends coming and going out of her home, this is very harmful for your daughter. As a mother, I think that bringing other men into the picture while you have small children in the home is bad parenting. I feel strongly about this, so if any of you single Moms are reading, here's the best thing for your child: the child comes first and your romantic relationships must go on the back burner until your child is much older (at least well into the teen years.) If one parent has died, dating can be a different story. But when a divorce has occurred, in the child's eyes, there's one Mom and one Dad that she needs to connect with.
There is nothing that you can do to stop your ex-wife though. You could try reason, ask a counselor to tell her to stop, but I doubt that will work. Your only option is to have the court order her to stop bringing men over, citing that having a boyfriend around puts your daughter at a much higher risk for both sexual and physical abuse. But, the courts probably won't demand this from her.
Since your hands are tied, it is important for you to help your daughter. DON'T tell her that her mother is bad. This will only turn her against you because she has to get along with her Mom. Tell her that you disagree with her mother dating and that you are there at all times to talk to her about anything that happens at her mother's. Tell her that you aren't going to date because she is your number one priority now and that you are going to do things differently. Speak very cautiously so as not to malign her mother, even though you have anger towards her.
Take the high road, always. No dating, no bringing women over, just keep your home as calm and anxiety free as possible for your daughter so that she loves being there with you. Focus on her when she's there. Give her attention, take her to do fun things but also make sure to do regular things as well. Give her chores. Help her do her homework. Keep life "normal." I can tell you that I have seen many fathers in your situation before and the ones who end up having strong relationships with their daughters in the long run are those dads that continue to act like grown-ups, keep their home environments safe, orderly, calm and loving for their daughters. At some point in her life, your daughter is going to decide which way she wants to live. Does she want to run around with a lot of men or does she want to live a life of integrity, honesty and commitment? She will decide when she is in her twenties so your job is to continue to model this lifestyle until she gets there. Friend, you have a long way to go because she's young, but I strongly encourage you to hang in there. She's worth every bit of the work!
Finally, ask family for support if you have it available. Have your daughter spend time with other adults who think like you and aspire to live the way you do. The more adults she sees who aren't sexually promiscuous, who don't drink too much, who do have a strong faith, the more likely she is to adopt their lifestyles.
I know this feels overwhelming to you but you CAN raise a beautiful, strong, healthy daughter who doesn't grow up to do stupid things. Unfortunately for you, the responsibility rests on your shoulders alone because of her mother's behavior. But know one thing: every daughter looks up to her Dad to be her hero. So stop focusing on all the the bad things her mother is doing and focus on being that little girl's hero and you will win.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
What can a parent do when mean girls hit Kindergarten in a small class?
Dear Dr. Meg,
Our family is going through a really tough time with our daughter in the first grade and we would like to see what you have to say about the situation.
We moved to our current area a year ago from another state. My daughter started Kindergarten at her school with friends who had been with each other through the PreK program. Overall, the school is wonderful: a private, Catholic academy with strong academics, and an emphasis on family and God. We are extremely happy with these elements, but socially, we are disappointed. Due to the small nature of the school, we see a lot of unnecessary drama. The problem we are having is our daughter is in a class with 4 girls and 7 boys. There is a lot of mean behaviors going on with the girls and our daughter has become the brunt of it.
One of the girls has removed herself from the group and although our daughter is friends with her, she doesn't always want to play what she plays (soccer). She wants to be silly and play imaginary, girlie stuff. The problem is the other two girls have created an on/off relationship with her. One minute they are kind and like her and the next they don't and are making mean faces, pushing her out of "the group," etc. The teacher is well aware of the situation and has contacted me numerous times concerned about her. She basically told me she doesn't understand why she wants to continue being friends with people who treat her bad. She said she is smart, kind, and has so much to offer. She is a leader in all areas of the classroom, but with these girls she is caught up with trying to make them be her friend. One in particular. The one who dictates who is in the "in" for a friend that day. They've all been to the principal and read the book "Have you filled a bucket today" and the teacher said our daughter is doing everything she should, but there are still problems. She moved the seats in the class to put her up front so she won't be distracted by any mean gestures, but now she is so worried they are being mean or talking behind her back she turns around to look. Ordinarily, she is a great student and does fantastic academically. She was upset a couple days ago because another classmate separated the two girls from her in line while walking to lunch. I asked her why this made her upset and she said she was worried if they separated from her they wouldn't like her again when they were back together.
We have rolled played with her, told her to ignore the behavior even when it makes her sad, and if they don't want to be her friend to find someone else to play with. The problem is there are not a lot of outlets because she wants to play with her class. We said she can come home and let any sadness out with us or if she can't wait she can talk to the teacher or write her a note. In some instances, she has done the right thing, like telling the girls "no one is excluded, but everyone is included" when they tried to leave her out. The only problem is we are afraid now that there is almost an unhealthy obsession for her to be around one of the girls she favors out of the two and we think it stems from the uncertainty of their friendship. This one is also the one who picks who is her "in" friend for the day. Also, from some of the things my daughter told me I think this girl can be manipulative. She told my daughter she had to follow her on the playground (not sure for what) or she wouldn't be her best friend. We told our daughter it's the right thing to be nice to her, but going out of her way to run up and hug every chance she can get and constantly wanting to be around her for everything is not healthy. At least not with the dynamic of this friendship because a part of me believes in a healthy, young girl friendship that is what they do? The problem is this becomes one-sided and seems to create problems. Do you have any suggestions on how we can deal with this situation? What books we can read with her? What steps to take, etc.?
Thank you,
Mom
Dear Mom,
Much of what these girls are exhibiting is, sadly normal for many kindergarten girls. The real problem for your daughter is that the class is too small for her to find other girls who don't behave this way. You are doing many wonderful things to help your daughter and I really wouldn't worry about why she feels she needs to please the bully at this point because she will grow out of this.
I do have a suggestion for the teacher, however. She needs to have the bully sit at the front of the class and take her aside and have a strong talk. No more being nice about shunning your daughter. She needs to tell the bully that this is not acceptable and she needs to isolate the bully rather than allow the other girls to be isolated. If you isolate one ring leader, the others will get the message. Also, if she asks girls to come together in different groups in order to solve puzzles or do some team work on a regualr basis, this can help the bully learn to work better with the kids.
Some of these dynamics will pass as the years go on. There will always be a child or two in every class who needs attention by being mean to others. The important thing for your daughter to do as she advances through school is to find one (maybe two) other children- boys or girls- who will remain her friends. This will make it far easier for her to ignore the bullies' behaviors.
If things heat up and your daughter gets more isolated and the other girls' behaviors get meaner, you may need to put her in a different school. But I wouldn't do this unless you see that your daughter's really disliking it. As I said, many of these things will pass, particularly as the class grows in size in the next years.
God Bless,
Dr. Meg
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
What should a dad do when his daughter is obsessed with working out and dieting?
Dear Dr. Meg,
My daughter is a nursing student in her junior year at University of Colorado. She has dropped from 125 to 108 and is obsessed with working out and dieting. My wife and I are extremely concerned and need a source to help her and us. Do you have any recommendations for a Doctor around the Boulder area with a Catholic perspective that you would recommend.
We are desperately trying to figure out what the best mode of action is. Any suggestion or ideas would be a God send.
I have read your book Strong Father and Strong Daughters and it was a gift to our family. My daughter is strong and we are really confused as to why this is happening. I am willing to do whatever it takes to get her healthy in mind and body. Thanks. Dad
Dear Dad,
Your daughter does have some serious red flags pointing toward anorexia nervosa. I don't know of any physicians in her area, but I do know some good resources who could point you in the right direction. First, I would call Remuda Ranch. They are in Wickenburg Arizona and they are Christian, not specifically Catholic. Call their help line and tell them your situation. They will help you figure out the next step.
Second, you could also call the nearest major medical center near you/her and ask to speak with a nurse or PA from their eating disorders program. You can learn a lot by interviewing folks. What you are looking for is either a long term (4-6 week) intensive inpatient or outpatient program. Sending your daughter somewhere for only 1 week doesn't do her any good.
Third, you can call the counseling services at her school. They are used to seeing eating disorders and will know what resources are available near her. I would do all of these things before you speak with your daughter. It is important for you and her mother, if she is involved, to figure out treatment options for your daughter. Then, you need to go to your daughter in person and have a heart to heart meeting with her. This isn't the type of illness that you can talk with her over the phone about and encourage her to get help. Girls with eating disorders staunchly deny their problems and insist that they can take care of things on their own. Remember, the eating disorder makes her terrified of gaining weight so she will fight treatment because she thinks that you will force her to be fat.
When you meet with her, I would have a conversation that goes something like this:
"Honey, your mother and I are concerned that you aren't yourself anymore. You don't seem happy and you seem too stressed. We want to help alleviate that stress for you because it is taking a toll on you. First and foremost, we are concerned with your happiness and you don't seem happy. Also, we notice that your stress is taking a toll on your weight. I know that you want to be thin and that's OK, but it feels like eating and exercise have overcome you and they are in control of you, not vice versa."
Give her time to answer and she will probably get defensive and mad. That's alright, stay calm. Listen to her. She will say very irrational things because remember, her eating disorder is talking to you, not her. Separate those two things out. If she hears what you are saying and agrees to help immediately, tell her that you have done some research and show her the options you have found. Then ask her which one she likes.
If she won't listen and cries or yells at you, you know that she's in more serious trouble. If this is the case and she refuses to listen to you, don't give up. Don't bully her (yet) but tell her that you will talk more about it the next day and bring the issue up again. Whatever you do, let her know that you are there to help because you love her and because you are concerned about her happiness (not her weight.) She will listen to you better this way. If she comes around, make an appointment with an internist and take her to the doctor. Girls feel safer going to a regular doctor than a psychiatrist at first. Then, ask the doctor to address the issues. SOmetimes girls listen better to their physicians.
If this fails and you see that her weight is dangerous, you need to insist that she come home. Just like you would do with an alcoholic, you must do an intervention and give her no option but to get treatment. The reason for his is because if the eating disorder has gone on long enough, she has starved her brain and she can no longer make rational decisions. Her thinking is twisted and you must do the thinking for her. We often say that girls with eating disorders control their eating because they want to be in charge, but as the illness progress, they are no longer in control- the eating disorder is. This is painful, but taking charge and taking her out of school and into treatment may save her life.
Whichever path you choose, know that there are many resources available to you. This is a long, tedious process and you need to be very tough and patient. We can treat eating disorders so hang in there, There is much hope for your daughter.
Again, I encourage you to reach out to the folks at Remuda Ranch. They are wonderful.
Blessings,
Dr. Meg
Friday, November 1, 2013
What should I do when my son struggles with self control and punches himself?
Dear Dr. Meg,
My 8 year old son is not an ADD child or anything, but he has always struggled with self control. Tonight I noticed that his eye was red above and below his eye, and I asked him about it. He told me that sometimes when he notices that he is getting too crazy, he punches himself in the eye, and that he has been doing this for a few days! I am worried about this...is he making this up? Or if not, should I make a big deal of this? I encouraged him to stop and pray next time, instead of hurting himself, because God can help. Is this a sign of some big problem to come, though? Or should I just take this in stride as childish and not worry too much about it? - Mom
Dear Mom-
No, it isn’t normal for an 8 year-old boy to punch himself because he feels that he is “getting crazy.” This tells me that he is having very contemptuous feelings about himself and doesn’t like himself much. Younger children will self-soothe with behaviors like head-banging but he is too old for this.
Here’s what I would do. Don’t make a big deal out of it just yet. He may have just been angry at himself over something and it could pass. I would watch him carefully over the next couple of months. Watch how he talks about himself. Is he constantly saying negative things about himself? Also watch for other self-destructive behaviors. If you notice this type of thing continuing, I would ask your pediatrician for help. You might want to call and ask for an appointment without him present so that you can discuss these issues freely with your doctor. But for now, just keep a close eye on things and pray for him. It may well pass.
Friday, October 25, 2013
My two year old wants to sleep with me. How can I break the habit? Its hard, but here's how...
Dear Dr. Meg: My two year old wants to sleep with me and cuddle with me. How do I break him of this habit so he stays in bed? .
Dear Sara
You are right in wanting your son sleep in his own bed at this age. First, do you know why he wants to be with you? Is he frightened? If so, it is important to address his fear during the daytime and have some real heart to heart talks. Let him know that your job is to keep him safe and that his room is safe. Often boys at this age are frightened by what they see on television, so make sure to keep him away from violent media.
Could he want to sleep with you because he is worried or lonely? Many boys who don’t have time with their fathers may feel lonely or worried and want extra comfort from their mothers. If this is the case, then you need to find ways to deal with his loneliness or separation issues with his father.
If none of these apply to your son, he may simply want to sleep with you because he is in the habit of doing so. You need to break the habit so talk to him about things that you both can do to make his room special. Talk to him about what he would like to do to make his room feel warmer. Should you paint it together? Would it help to rearrange his room? Whatever you choose to do,involve him. Make him feel that his room is his space and that it is safe. Perhaps he would like to listen to music at night before he falls asleep. Often, listening to music or radio makes kids want to stay in their rooms. I highly encourage you to check out Adventures in Odyssey tapes. These are engaging stories for kids that I used with all of my kids when they were younger and they established a habit of listening to a half hour show each night before bed.
I know it’s hard, but you must get firm, no matter what you do. Your son is most likely getting messages from you that you are wishy-washy on this issue and knows he can get in bed with you. I get it. I’m a Mom. The bottom line is, when you’re ready to have him stay in his own bed, he’ll do it.
Best of luck,
Dr. Meg
Friday, October 18, 2013
What's a mom to do when her 16 year old daughter is rude and insulting? Here's the answer is in a nutshell...
Dear Dr. Meg,
My 16 year old daughter is rude & insulting! We did not raise her this way! She says she is just expressing herself & cannot get her to understand how she could be hurting people! She also has very little respect for any authority (parents, teachers, pastors, law enforcement, etc.) We only have 2 years left! Please help!
-Mom
-Mom
Dear Mom-
Here’s the answer in a nutshell. Your daughter is rude because she can be. Period. Like every teen in America, she sees rudeness everywhere she goes. She probably hears kids talking back to teachers, swearing and acting obnoxious to their parents on television, she listens to music where obscene language is used and she pays attention when her friends criticize their parents. She lives in a very tough world.
Your daughter is literally being trained by others around her to be rude, so in her mind, why shouldn’t she be? She knows that you aren’t going anywhere and that she can treat you however she wants because you will listen- at least, until you’re tired of taking it.
One of the worst things a parent can do is to allow their child to live this way. Yes, she is being influenced by outside sources but it is still your job as her mother to make sure she understands that being rude isn’t going to work well for her- now or in the long run. She can’t hold a job if she’s rude to her boss and she won’t stay married long if she’s rude to her husband. It’s on your shoulders to help her avoid terrible pain when she’s older so you need to intervene ASAP. Here’s what I would do if she were in my home and I know this works. I’ve seen hundreds of kids like your daughter.
First, do some investigating. What is it that your daughter believes she really needs or that she really loves? Is it her phone, time with friends, soccer, piano, movies? Find her Achilles heel. Once you have identified one or two (and it’s usually pretty easy) then you know exactly what you need to take away to make your point. Then, sit down with her during a time when the two of you are calm and getting along. Tell her something like this. “We have a problem. I have noticed over the past couple of years that you have acquired a habit of being rude and this is really unhealthy for you. No one can be happy living with this amount of rudeness. So I’m going to help you get over this habit. Here’s what we’re going to do. Whenever I hear you say (repeat what she says when rude)…… or yell at me or Dad, slam doors or…… then I must take your phone (or whatever is her Achilles heel) away for one week. If you stop the rudeness, then I will give you the phone back after seven days. If not, then I will have to extend the time to two weeks.”
At this point, she will yell, tell you that you are a bad mother and have a rip roaring temper tantrum. Oh well. Sit and listen. When she calms down, keep going. If she runs out of the room, try again later. The point is never give up.
Here’s the deal. EVERY child has a weak point. And- you hold all the power. Parents forget this. Without you, she wouldn’t have a roof over her head, a nice bed, driver’s license, etc. The only reason that you give your power away is because you choose to. Getting a child’s rude behavior under control is war and it takes a lot of energy. That means that when you start this process, you don’t back down until she’s broken her habit. It may take one week, one month or two months but I promise, when you’ve had enough, she’ll break.
Don’t start this process until you are really geared up for it because if you tell her what you will do when she’s rude and you fail to enforce the consequences, she will think that you are weak and not serious. Worse, she will disrespect you even more. So choose a time when you have time to devote the energy.
Many years ago, one of my kids told me to “shut up.” We were both exhausted and frustrated but I had a rule in our home that no one (including me and my husband) was ever to speak disrespectfully to one another. So, when she said this, I immediately told her that she was grounded for one month. Within minutes I realized what I had just done to myself- I had committed myself to being home with her every day after school for one month. Just her and I- alone- every day! I panicked. But- since I had said it, war was declared.
The first week was tough. But I refused to relent and after the month was over, my daughter I got along better than ever. That was over 20 years ago and she hasn’t spoken disrespectfully since.
You can do the same but you need to have nerves of steel and mean business. Don’t be mean, rude or disrespectful. On the contrary, tell yourself that you would be a bad mother to allow this terrible behavior to continue. Be tough. You can do it.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Grieving Over Kindergarten
Dear Dr. Meg,
Well, I soaked up every second, threw my entire being into raising my little girl and now she's off to kindergarten and I'm grieving. Grieving so hard and can't function. How do you ever get used to this? She's gone so much. She did preschool and our church group and I don't regret those times at all. They were very healthy for both of us and I thought we were ready for this, but I'm dying inside. I miss her so much.
Sincerely,
Denise
______________
Dear Denise,
As another mom completely attached to my kids, I understand how you feel. Parenting is full of great joys but along with those joys come sadness too.
I have a couple of thoughts for you. First, you need to get out of the house and get your mind on other things. Focus on your work, a hobby or maybe get together with other women. In other words, make sure that you nurture your life separate from your daughter. This is not only healthy for you, but it is healthy for her. She doesn't need to know that her mother is so sad that she is at school, that she is having a hard time functioning. She needs to know that you are OK while she's away. That way, she can focus on herself, not on you.
Second, think about how proud you are that she is growing up! Our job as good moms is to prepare our kids to live their own lives and to like doing it. She is nowhere near this point, but these separations are about helping her to prepare to live on her own one day as a happy, separate person from you. Be glad about this. The fact that she can go away from you and enjoy kindergarten lets you know that you are doing somethings right!
Third, and this is the tough one, if you are grieving to the point where you can't function, then your grief is about much more than your daughter leaving. She hasn't died, she has gone to school and this is a normal, healthy process. Your grief appears to be out of proportion to the event you are gireving. Something else is going on inside of you. Deep grief over old issues can be triggered whenever we experience a change and I wonder if this change triggered something inside of you which has nothing to do with your daughter. Could you be grieving a loss that occured to you when you were young which you never dealt with? This is a strong possibility.
I suggest that you call your best friend and ask her if you can talk. If she is trustworthy and won't talk to others about your problems, tell her what you're going through. Ask he what she thinks. Not being able to function after your child leaves for kindergarden isn't normal. If you can't resolve your grief by talking to her, you need to take this time and find a good counselor to talk to. Getting yourself healthy is the best thing you can do for your daughter and for yourself.
Finally, remember that while you are going through a hard time now, it will pass. We moms go through many major transitions throughout our lives. I calculated that we go through one every 3 years. When there is change, there is loss. But, there are always good things that happen after the loss. The important thing is to learn to look forward to better days ahead. And you will have many of those with your daughter.
Regards,
Dr. Meg
Well, I soaked up every second, threw my entire being into raising my little girl and now she's off to kindergarten and I'm grieving. Grieving so hard and can't function. How do you ever get used to this? She's gone so much. She did preschool and our church group and I don't regret those times at all. They were very healthy for both of us and I thought we were ready for this, but I'm dying inside. I miss her so much.
Sincerely,
Denise
______________
Dear Denise,
As another mom completely attached to my kids, I understand how you feel. Parenting is full of great joys but along with those joys come sadness too.
I have a couple of thoughts for you. First, you need to get out of the house and get your mind on other things. Focus on your work, a hobby or maybe get together with other women. In other words, make sure that you nurture your life separate from your daughter. This is not only healthy for you, but it is healthy for her. She doesn't need to know that her mother is so sad that she is at school, that she is having a hard time functioning. She needs to know that you are OK while she's away. That way, she can focus on herself, not on you.
Second, think about how proud you are that she is growing up! Our job as good moms is to prepare our kids to live their own lives and to like doing it. She is nowhere near this point, but these separations are about helping her to prepare to live on her own one day as a happy, separate person from you. Be glad about this. The fact that she can go away from you and enjoy kindergarten lets you know that you are doing somethings right!
Third, and this is the tough one, if you are grieving to the point where you can't function, then your grief is about much more than your daughter leaving. She hasn't died, she has gone to school and this is a normal, healthy process. Your grief appears to be out of proportion to the event you are gireving. Something else is going on inside of you. Deep grief over old issues can be triggered whenever we experience a change and I wonder if this change triggered something inside of you which has nothing to do with your daughter. Could you be grieving a loss that occured to you when you were young which you never dealt with? This is a strong possibility.
I suggest that you call your best friend and ask her if you can talk. If she is trustworthy and won't talk to others about your problems, tell her what you're going through. Ask he what she thinks. Not being able to function after your child leaves for kindergarden isn't normal. If you can't resolve your grief by talking to her, you need to take this time and find a good counselor to talk to. Getting yourself healthy is the best thing you can do for your daughter and for yourself.
Finally, remember that while you are going through a hard time now, it will pass. We moms go through many major transitions throughout our lives. I calculated that we go through one every 3 years. When there is change, there is loss. But, there are always good things that happen after the loss. The important thing is to learn to look forward to better days ahead. And you will have many of those with your daughter.
Regards,
Dr. Meg
Children and Sports
Dear Dr. Meg,
Can you write on children and sports? My daughter is in first grade, is very tall and is very athletic. Everyone around us is always asking if she is going to play volleyball or basketball. So she has been asking when she gets to start. We have been holding her out because we feel that it's more important to have family time. My husband and I have read 10 habits for mothers and strong fathers strong daughters, boys will be boys. She is in student council that meets once every few months and swim lessons once a week every once in a while not year round.
I guess I just need a little pep talk that we are doing the right thing. We live in a city where people have their kids in one sports year around. It's hard to find those three day clinics in the summer like we did as a kid. A friend told me about a basketball program that was only one practice a week and a game on Saturday. So I'm starting to slip on saying, No.
My husband who has coached HS football in the past was asked to coach a high school feeder team. He just asked for the details and it was for 8 year olds and under, 4-days a week for an hour game on Saturday. He was just appalled. I would just go back to coaching high school with that schedule. "Plus" he said, "Parents that would put their kids in a program like that would be really annoying!"
I just want to do the best thing for her and have been trying to listen to what she wants versus activities I would like her to be in. What would be a good age to slowly add a small activity?
Thanks for all you do!
Olivia
__________________________
Dear Olivia,
Hooray for you! You are absolutely right to keep your daughter home more and less involved in sports. Of course athletics can be good for kids but so many children are now over scheduled that they grow up emotionally deprived because they don't get enough parent time and this is sad.
We know that children develop self esteem by figuring out what their parents and other significant adults in their lives believe about them. If they see that a parent is proud, they feel good about themselves. If they see that a parent enjoys being with them, they feel that they are valuable, etc. So, kids discern how their parents feel and then they internalize those feelings.The catch is, that in order to figure out what their parents believe about them, children must spend enough time with their parents. Sadly, many kids don't because parents are more convinced that kids need sports, music or a thousand other extracurricular activities than they do time with them. This is absolutely NOT true.
Think back to your own childhood. Did the things which really impacted you come from piano lessons, track, basketball, etc? Or did those things come from a conversation that you had with your father or mother? Years from now, the memories which shape who your daughter becomes are going to happen while she is with you or her father, not doing a sport.
So- keep up the great work! Your daughter will continue to need more of you than she does of sports. Sure, she should have ample opportunity to play, but never at the expense of your relationship with her.
Regards,
Dr. Meg
P.S. Just because she's tall doesn't mean that she needs to play basketball or volleyball. Help her learn to handle others commenting on her height because she will get comments for the rest of her life. I know, I have a son-in-law who is 6'6" and he still gets comments and hated them growing up.
Can you write on children and sports? My daughter is in first grade, is very tall and is very athletic. Everyone around us is always asking if she is going to play volleyball or basketball. So she has been asking when she gets to start. We have been holding her out because we feel that it's more important to have family time. My husband and I have read 10 habits for mothers and strong fathers strong daughters, boys will be boys. She is in student council that meets once every few months and swim lessons once a week every once in a while not year round.
I guess I just need a little pep talk that we are doing the right thing. We live in a city where people have their kids in one sports year around. It's hard to find those three day clinics in the summer like we did as a kid. A friend told me about a basketball program that was only one practice a week and a game on Saturday. So I'm starting to slip on saying, No.
My husband who has coached HS football in the past was asked to coach a high school feeder team. He just asked for the details and it was for 8 year olds and under, 4-days a week for an hour game on Saturday. He was just appalled. I would just go back to coaching high school with that schedule. "Plus" he said, "Parents that would put their kids in a program like that would be really annoying!"
I just want to do the best thing for her and have been trying to listen to what she wants versus activities I would like her to be in. What would be a good age to slowly add a small activity?
Thanks for all you do!
Olivia
__________________________
Dear Olivia,
Hooray for you! You are absolutely right to keep your daughter home more and less involved in sports. Of course athletics can be good for kids but so many children are now over scheduled that they grow up emotionally deprived because they don't get enough parent time and this is sad.
We know that children develop self esteem by figuring out what their parents and other significant adults in their lives believe about them. If they see that a parent is proud, they feel good about themselves. If they see that a parent enjoys being with them, they feel that they are valuable, etc. So, kids discern how their parents feel and then they internalize those feelings.The catch is, that in order to figure out what their parents believe about them, children must spend enough time with their parents. Sadly, many kids don't because parents are more convinced that kids need sports, music or a thousand other extracurricular activities than they do time with them. This is absolutely NOT true.
Think back to your own childhood. Did the things which really impacted you come from piano lessons, track, basketball, etc? Or did those things come from a conversation that you had with your father or mother? Years from now, the memories which shape who your daughter becomes are going to happen while she is with you or her father, not doing a sport.
So- keep up the great work! Your daughter will continue to need more of you than she does of sports. Sure, she should have ample opportunity to play, but never at the expense of your relationship with her.
Regards,
Dr. Meg
P.S. Just because she's tall doesn't mean that she needs to play basketball or volleyball. Help her learn to handle others commenting on her height because she will get comments for the rest of her life. I know, I have a son-in-law who is 6'6" and he still gets comments and hated them growing up.
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