Dear Dr. Meg,
I have a situation I need advice on. My sons' step mother (with my Ex's help I'm sure) is trying everything she can to put a wedge between me and my teenage sons. He has custody because of my depression that was mostly caused by his abuse during our marriage. This woman can't have children of her own I'm told. She is constantly over stepping her bounds as a SM. I'm always trashed in public and to the boys friends' parents. She even went as far as hounding the youngest to find out the last name of my bf so she could find him on fb and msg his mother and ex-wife with lies and utter bs. Thank goodness he knew the kind of person she is and didn't believe her crap. Last night was the boys winter concert at school. My parenting time is from 5p-9p on Wednesdays. After the concert was over I tried to talk to the boys to tell them how proud I was of them both. She wouldn't let me. She litterly stepped between my youngest and I to prevent me from talking to him. She kept saying, "it's after 9". I'm not allowed to be around my sons unless it's during my parenting time but this same "rule" doesn't apply to them when the kids are with me. How can I get her to realize she is the SM not mother and she's way out of line. - Jackie
Dear Jackie-
You are in a tough parenting situation, as many parents are these days. Having another woman spend more time with your children is very painful and I can understand your frustration.
Here are a few suggestions for you. As I tell any parent in a difficult situation, change begins when you take your focus off of what your ex-husband and his wife are doing and ask yourself, what can you do? Constantly focusing on how angry you are at them won’t help you or your children because you can’t change what they say or do with your kids. The only thing that you can do is change your own behavior..
For starters, think of Romans 12:20. "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." This is a tough scripture to swallow but it’s very important. What Paul is saying is, turn things 180 degrees by doing the opposite of what everyone expects of you. Rather than feed into the war between you and your ex and his wife, work as hard as you can at being kind. This is painful but you need to do it. Don’t be nasty, don’t focus on their bad behavior and don’t be critical of them to your kids. Instead, stay positive, upbeat and kind whenever you interact with them- especially when they are with you kids. Over time, they will see that you have changed and they may be willing to work with you better.
The other important thing that doing this does, is that it allows your children to see your maturity and positive attitude (rather than seeing your depression.) This is extremely important because when your kids are older, they will have choice about spending more time with you and if they see you as upbeat and positive, they will want to be with you. If they see you and their dad at odds, they will side with him because they spend more time with him now. So, take the high road- it’s the best way that you can win your kids in the end. Remember, in a few short years, they can decide to spend as much or as little time as they want with you and you need to prepare for this. Once they are twenty, thirty and forty, you have decades when you can be with them. Focus on making those years better because that is something that you really can control.
Dr. Meg
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