New Baby and an Older Sibling - Diffusing jealousy

Dear Dr. Meg

I have a four year old daughter and I am expecting baby #2 in February. What are some ways that my husband and I can make this change easier on our daughter? - April

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Dear April-

Most older siblings feel jealous at the arrival of a new baby and this is normal but there are a few tricks you can use to help ease the transition. I recommend having the baby “give” a gift to your daughter when she comes to see the baby for the first time in the hospital. Also, at four, your daughter is old enough to help hold the baby and comfort her with your help. If you breast feed the baby, you might also think about getting a baby doll (one that looks like an infant not a toddler) and have your daughter take care of her baby doll as you care for her little sister or brother. She may feel a bit old to do this, but give it a try.

Once you are back on your feet, ask a family member or get a sitter to stay with the baby once a week for a couple of hours and take your daughter out for some alone time. This doesn’t have to be more than going to the grocery store, but if you tack on a trip for hot chocolate afterwards, it can make the time very special. When you are out, tell her how fun it is to do things with you that her younger sibling can’t do with you. A little alone time goes a long way for little ones.

Some jealousy is very normal, as is a bit of regressive behavior. For instance, some older siblings want to start sleeping with their parents and may act younger than their age. This usually lasts for a couple of months and then the older child begins acting his/her age. So, if your daughter does begin acting more like a three year old, don’t be disturbed, it will pass.

Children are always a blessing. I encourage you to act excited about the baby and not worry too much about your daughter. If you expect her to handle the transition well, she is far more likely to. If you show your enthusiasm and tell her that the baby will be a blessing to the whole family, she is more likely to see the baby this way too. Remember, that at four, your daughter reads every move you make and word you say. That means, if you are worried about her, she’ll pick up on it. So try to relax and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

Dr. Meg

Should a married man visit his parents even if his wife say NO?

Dr. Dr. Meg,

How should the relationship of a grown son be with his parents after he gets married? Should the son call/visit his parents even if his wife tells him not to? Should he forsake his parents for the sake of pleasing his wife? Is it OK to hold his children as leverage to get what he wants?( his parents can only see the kids when it is convenient for him and his wife or when they want something in return) - Mom

Dear Mom-

Once a man is married, biblically, he “cleaves” to his wife. That means, of course, that he binds himself to her and separates himself from his parents. The problem for many men, however, is that when they cleave to their wives, they stick to their wives’  good sides and their bad sides. That’s the tough news for us wives.

I believe that wives must do everything possible to help husbands have healthy relationships with their parents. If he has unresolved hurts, she should help him heal those. If he has never gotten along with them, she should do whatever she can to smooth things over between him and his parents.

Many men have unhealthy relationships with their parents and this can be tough for wives. Some men are tied to their mothers in unhealthy ways and talk with them every day and ask for their advice on too many issues. Of course, this would make a wife jealous. Rather than criticizing his mother and telling him not to speak with her, it would be far more effective to help him recognize that perhaps there are unhealthy parts of the relationship and help him understand those so that he can change them. Once you get to the point of “forbidding him” to see his folks, you have gotten to the point where he’s forced to choose sides and no one wins when that happens.

As far as forsaking his parents to please his wife, ideally men should never be in a position where they are forced to choose. If they are in that situation, either the wife or the parent is acting extremely unreasonable. Sure, if his parents are abusive, always drunk when you visit or excessively cruel to his family, it is perfectly reasonable for a wife to tell him that she will no longer visit until they behave but it may not be reasonable to demand that her husband stop seeing them. If he wants to subject himself to their bad behavior, that’s his prerogative.

Of course, fathers should never use their children as pawns in a relationship. Problems between adults should stay between the two with the problem and children must always be left out of the middle. They should never be used as leverage for anyone to get what they want.

How Do I Teach My 4 Year Old About Personal Space?

Dear Dr. Meg,

We have 3 boys under 3 right now (17 months between each).. The oldest who is almost 4 has the hardest time with self control -- I am very diligent on trying to explain why and angle it in a thousand different ways but where he goes he is constantly putting his hands on other kids... Not always aggressive but needs touch... Smothering them at times... How can I get the concept of personal/individual space… ~Busy Mom of 3

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Dear Busy Mom of 3-

At his age, he really can’t understand the idea of personal space because cognitively he doesn’t have the maturity. So trying to get him to understand is useless. Many children are very tactile - they want a lot of touch. The best way to help him is to make sure that he has a lot of toys with different textures - especially ones that he can take to bed with him.

If he isn’t being aggressive with other children but is smothering with his hugs and touching, keep your directions for keeping his hands to himself very simple. Tell him that he can’t touch other people that he doesn’t know (kids in school or at church.) Also, if he touches his siblings too much, I would find some alternative for him. Tell him that when he feels like touching others, he needs to go get a specific stuffed animal say. So rather than simply tell him “just don’t touch” you are giving him an option to do something else.

Finally, could he be reaching out for touch because he’s trying to get attention? If you think that this is the case, then I would encourage you or his dad to find a small amount of time (1 hour) once per week where you can take him do something alone together. It doesn’t have to be special time, just take him on errands with you alone. This can go a long way in filling that need for attention.

Loving Your Children without Causing Rivalry

Dr Meeker, I (currently) have two little girls, aged 28 months and 14 months old. I love them both excessively! Even at such young ages, I am very aware that they are different people, with different likes and personalities. My eldest is reserved, quiet, thoughtful, and I love her for that. My youngest is loud, bubbly, talkative and cuddly, and I love her for that. How do I, as their daddy, love them both differently (because of their different likes/personalities/love languages), yet without causing sibling jealousy or rivalry? Little children perceive fairness and love in terms of 'my sister got a pink purse, so I want one too', and when they don't they think they're not loved as much. How can I do one thing with one daughter (for example going to the zoo), without necessarily doing the same with the other (rather instead going to a movie), all the while without causing disharmony? Particularly when children don't/can't understand that I can love each of them, but differently. Many thanks! ~Conscientious Dad

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Dear Conscientious Dad-

I don’t think that you have anything in the world to worry about. Your love for each of your daughters as unique persons is evident in your writing and this love that you have in your heart for each is what really matters to them. Yes, your daughters will watch to see who gets what and how much time the other gets with you but most importantly each of your daughters will look at your face and figure out who you love most. So, if you feel the same intensity of love for each, that will show through very clearly.

I would suggest that as the girls grow, you show them that you love that they are very different. Applaud one’s strength in front of the other and vice versa. This will diffuse any sense of competition for your approval that they may feel. I think that it’s also important that you give each “special time” with Dad and then let them pick what they want to do with that time. That way, the choice of going to a movie or going to the zoo will be their’s, not your’s.

All siblings are competitive with one another and that’s not all bad. What you want to avoid as a father is having one feel that you favor her over the other. The only way that happens is if one parent genuinely favors one and “can’t help” but spend more time with her. Since you are right on top of things and clearly a sensitive, conscientious Dad, I really don’t think you need to worry.

Raising a Young Child While Dealing with a Difficult Divorce

Dr. Meeker

I am writing to you in desperation. I need your advice as well as input on a situation I am dealing with. I know you must be a very busy person and you may not have the time. I am a soon to be single father of a 5 1/2 year old little girl. My older brother gave me your book when my daughter was a couple of months from being born. Since that time I have either read or listened to your book on tape about every 6 to 8 months. It is, without a doubt, my favorite book.

I am a licensed professional. I was the assistant manager before I quit to be a stay-at-home Dad. I was at this particular facility my entire career (just over 21 years). Currently, I am going through a divorce and am in the midst of a very contentious custody dispute. My wife has numerous issues that date back to when she was not even a teenager. She is also adopted. Its because of this, I don't feel she is capable of being a good parent. After serving me divorce papers, I needed to vent. I did so by writing a very long letter detailing a lot (but not all) of what she has and has not done. I haven't given it to her, yet, because of the ongoing custody dispute. We have recently been assigned a PRE (Parental Responsibilities Evaluator) to help determine parenting time and custody. My wife wants a 50/50 split. I feel it is in my daughter's best interest that it be no more than 70/30 at this time. I would like for you to read this letter and give me your thoughts. It is long- 23 pages and if you don't comfortable for whatever reason, I understand. Let me know and I can email it to you. Thank you for your time.

A Desperate Dad

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Dear Desperate Dad-

Thank you for your letters regarding your pain over the divorce and custody battles that you are experiencing with your wife and daughter. I am so sorry that you are going through this. And yes, I have read every word that you wrote about your wife's issues. I have a few suggestions for you.

First, regarding your wife's ongoing affairs and boyfriends coming and going out of her home, this is very harmful for your daughter. As a mother, I think that bringing other men into the picture while you have small children in the home is bad parenting. I feel strongly about this, so if any of you single Moms are reading, here's the best thing for your child: the child comes first and your romantic relationships must go on the back burner until your child is much older (at least well into the teen years.) If one parent has died, dating can be a different story. But when a divorce has occurred, in the child's eyes, there's one Mom and one Dad that she needs to connect with.

There is nothing that you can do to stop your ex-wife though. You could try reason, ask a counselor to tell her to stop, but I doubt that will work. Your only option is to have the court order her to stop bringing men over, citing that having a boyfriend around puts your daughter at a much higher risk for both sexual and physical abuse. But, the courts probably won't demand this from her.

Since your hands are tied, it is important for you to help your daughter. DON'T tell her that her mother is bad. This will only turn her against you because she has to get along with her Mom. Tell her that you disagree with her mother dating and that you are there at all times to talk to her about anything that happens at her mother's. Tell her that you aren't going to date because she is your number one priority now and that you are going to do things differently. Speak very cautiously so as not to malign her mother, even though you have anger towards her.

Take the high road, always. No dating, no bringing women over, just keep your home as calm and anxiety free as possible for your daughter so that she loves being there with you. Focus on her when she's there. Give her attention, take her to do fun things but also make sure to do regular things as well. Give her chores. Help her do her homework. Keep life "normal." I can tell you that I have seen many fathers in your situation before and the ones who end up having strong relationships with their daughters in the long run are those dads that continue to act like grown-ups, keep their home environments safe, orderly, calm and loving for their daughters. At some point in her life, your daughter is going to decide which way she wants to live. Does she want to run around with a lot of men or does she want to live a life of integrity, honesty and commitment? She will decide when she is in her twenties so your job is to continue to model this lifestyle until she gets there. Friend, you have a long way to go because she's young, but I strongly encourage you to hang in there. She's worth every bit of the work!

Finally, ask family for support if you have it available. Have your daughter spend time with other adults who think like you and aspire to live the way you do. The more adults she sees who aren't sexually promiscuous, who don't drink too much, who do have a strong faith, the more likely she is to adopt their lifestyles.

I know this feels overwhelming to you but you CAN raise a beautiful, strong, healthy daughter who doesn't grow up to do stupid things. Unfortunately for you, the responsibility rests on your shoulders alone because of her mother's behavior. But know one thing: every daughter looks up to her Dad to be her hero. So stop focusing on all the the bad things her mother is doing and focus on being that little girl's hero and you will win.

What can a parent do when mean girls hit Kindergarten in a small class?

Dear Dr. Meg,


Our family is going through a really tough time with our daughter in the first grade and we would like to see what you have to say about the situation.

We moved to our current area a year ago from another state.  My daughter started Kindergarten at her school with friends who had been with each other through the PreK program.  Overall, the school is  wonderful:  a private, Catholic academy with strong academics, and an emphasis on family and God.  We are extremely happy with these elements, but socially, we are disappointed.  Due to the small nature of the school, we see a lot of unnecessary drama.  The problem we are having is our daughter is in a class with 4 girls and 7 boys.  There is a lot of mean behaviors going on with the girls and our daughter has become the brunt of it.

One of the girls has removed herself from the group and although our daughter is friends with her, she doesn't always want to play what she plays (soccer).  She wants to be silly and play imaginary, girlie stuff.   The problem is the other two girls have created an on/off relationship with her.  One minute they are kind and like her and the next they don't and are making mean faces, pushing her out of "the group," etc.  The teacher is well aware of the situation and has contacted me numerous times concerned about her.  She basically told me she doesn't understand why she wants to continue being friends with people who treat her bad.  She said she is smart, kind, and has so much to offer.  She is a leader in all areas of the classroom, but with these girls she is caught up with trying to make them be her friend.  One in particular.  The one who dictates who is in the "in" for a friend that day. They've all been to the principal and read the book "Have you filled a bucket today" and the teacher said our daughter is doing everything she should, but there are still problems.  She moved the seats in the class to put her up front so she won't be distracted by any mean gestures, but now she is so worried they are being mean or talking behind her back she turns around to look.  Ordinarily, she is a great student and does fantastic academically.  She was upset a couple days ago because another classmate separated the two girls from her in line while walking to lunch.  I asked her why this made her upset and she said she was worried if they separated from her they wouldn't like her again when they were back together.

We have rolled played with her, told her to ignore the behavior even when it makes her sad, and if they don't want to be her friend to find someone else to play with.  The problem is there are not a lot of outlets because she wants to play with her class.  We said she can come home and let any sadness out with us or if she can't wait she can talk to the teacher or write her a note.  In some instances, she has done the right thing, like telling the girls "no one is excluded, but everyone is included" when they tried to leave her out.  The only problem is we are afraid now that there is almost an unhealthy obsession for her to be around one of the girls she favors out of the two and we think it stems from the uncertainty of their friendship.  This one is also the one who picks who is her "in" friend for the day.  Also, from some of the things my daughter told me I think this girl can be manipulative.  She told my daughter she had to follow her on the playground (not sure for what) or she wouldn't be her best friend.  We told our daughter it's the right thing to be nice to her, but going out of her way to run up and hug every chance she can get and constantly wanting to be around her for everything is not healthy.  At least not with the dynamic of this friendship because a part of me believes in a healthy, young girl friendship that is what they do?  The problem is this becomes one-sided and seems to create problems.  Do you have any suggestions on how we can deal with this situation?  What books we can read with her?  What steps to take, etc.?  

Thank you,

Mom

Dear Mom,


Much of what these girls are exhibiting is, sadly normal for many kindergarten girls. The real problem for your daughter is that the class is too small for her to find other girls who don't behave this way. You are doing many wonderful things to help your daughter and I really wouldn't worry about why she feels she needs to please the bully at this point because she will grow out of this.

I do have a suggestion for the teacher, however. She needs to have the bully sit at the front of the class and take her aside and have a strong talk. No more being nice about shunning your daughter. She needs to tell the bully that this is not acceptable and she needs to isolate the bully rather than allow the other girls to be isolated. If you isolate one ring leader, the others will get the message. Also, if she asks girls to come together in different groups in order to solve puzzles or do some team work on a regualr basis, this can help the bully learn to work better with the kids.

Some of these dynamics will pass as the years go on. There will always be a child or two in every class who needs attention by being mean to others. The important thing for your daughter to do as she advances through school is to find one (maybe two) other children- boys or girls- who will remain her friends. This will make it far easier for her to ignore the bullies' behaviors.

If things heat up and your daughter gets more isolated and the other girls' behaviors get meaner, you may need to put her in a different school. But I wouldn't do this unless you see that your daughter's really disliking it. As I said, many of these things will pass, particularly as the class grows in size in the next years.

God Bless,

Dr. Meg

What should a dad do when his daughter is obsessed with working out and dieting?

Dear Dr. Meg,

My daughter is a nursing student in her junior year at University of Colorado.  She has dropped from 125 to 108 and is obsessed with working out and dieting.  My wife and I are extremely concerned and need a source to help her and us. Do you have any recommendations for a Doctor around the Boulder area with a Catholic perspective that you would recommend. 

We are desperately trying to figure out what the best mode of action is.  Any suggestion or ideas would be a God send. 

I have read your book Strong Father and Strong Daughters and it was a gift to our family.  My daughter is strong and we are really confused as to why this is happening.  I am willing to do whatever it takes to get her healthy in mind and body.   Thanks. Dad

Dear Dad,

 Your daughter does have some serious red flags pointing toward anorexia nervosa. I don't know of any physicians in her area, but I do know some good resources who could point you in the right direction. First, I would call Remuda Ranch. They are in Wickenburg Arizona and they are Christian, not specifically Catholic. Call their help line and tell them your situation. They will help you figure out the next step.

Second, you could also call the nearest major medical center near you/her and ask to speak with a nurse or PA from their eating disorders program. You can learn a lot by interviewing folks. What you are looking for is either a long term (4-6 week) intensive inpatient or outpatient program. Sending your daughter somewhere for only 1 week doesn't do her any good.

Third, you can call the counseling services at her school. They are used to seeing eating disorders and will know what resources are available near her. I would do all of these things before you speak with your daughter. It is important for you and her mother, if she is involved, to figure out treatment options for your daughter. Then, you need to go to your daughter in person and have a heart to heart meeting with her. This isn't the type of illness that you can talk with her over the phone about and encourage her to get help. Girls with eating disorders staunchly deny their problems and insist that they can take care of things on their own. Remember, the eating disorder makes her terrified of gaining weight so she will fight treatment because she thinks that you will force her to be fat.

When you meet with her, I would have a conversation that goes something like this:

"Honey, your mother and I are concerned that you aren't yourself anymore. You don't seem happy and you seem too stressed. We want to help alleviate that stress for you because it is taking a toll on you. First and foremost, we are concerned with your happiness and you don't seem happy. Also, we notice that your stress is taking a toll on your weight. I know that you want to be thin and that's OK, but it feels like eating and exercise have overcome you and they are in control of you, not vice versa."

Give her time to answer and she will probably get defensive and mad. That's alright, stay calm. Listen to her. She will say very irrational things because remember, her eating disorder is talking to you, not her. Separate those two things out. If she hears what you are saying and agrees to help immediately, tell her that you have done some research and show her the options you have found. Then ask her which one she likes.

If she won't listen and cries or yells at you, you know that she's in more serious trouble. If this is the case and she refuses to listen to you, don't give up. Don't bully her (yet) but tell her that you will talk more about it the next day and bring the issue up again. Whatever you do, let her know that you are there to help because you love her and because you are concerned about her happiness (not her weight.) She will listen to you better this way. If she comes around, make an appointment with an internist and take her to the doctor. Girls feel safer going to a regular doctor than a psychiatrist at first. Then, ask the doctor to address the issues. SOmetimes girls listen better to their physicians.

If this fails and you see that her weight is dangerous, you need to insist that she come home. Just like you would do with an alcoholic, you must do an intervention and give her no option but to get treatment. The reason for his is because if the eating disorder has gone on long enough, she has starved her brain and she can no longer make rational decisions. Her thinking is twisted and you must do the thinking for her. We often say that girls with eating disorders control their eating because they want to be in charge, but as the illness progress, they are no longer in control- the eating disorder is. This is painful, but taking charge and taking her out of school and into treatment may save her life.

Whichever path you choose, know that there are many resources available to you. This is a long, tedious process and you need to be very tough and patient. We can treat eating disorders so hang in there, There is much hope for your daughter.

Again, I encourage you to reach out to the folks at Remuda Ranch. They are wonderful.

Blessings,

Dr. Meg

What should I do when my son struggles with self control and punches himself?

Dear Dr. Meg,

My 8 year old son is not an ADD child or anything, but he has always struggled with self control. Tonight I noticed that his eye was red above and below his eye, and I asked him about it. He told me that sometimes when he notices that he is getting too crazy, he punches himself in the eye, and that he has been doing this for a few days! I am worried about this...is he making this up? Or if not, should I make a big deal of this? I encouraged him to stop and pray next time, instead of hurting himself, because God can help. Is this a sign of some big problem to come, though? Or should I just take this in stride as childish and not worry too much about it? - Mom

Dear Mom-

No, it isn’t normal for an 8 year-old boy to punch himself because he feels that he is “getting crazy.” This tells me that he is having very contemptuous feelings about himself and doesn’t like himself much. Younger children will self-soothe with behaviors like head-banging but he is too old for this.

Here’s what I would do. Don’t make a big deal out of it just yet. He may have just been angry at himself over something and it could pass. I would watch him carefully over the next couple of months. Watch how he talks about himself. Is he constantly saying negative things about himself? Also watch for other self-destructive behaviors. If you notice this type of thing continuing, I would ask your pediatrician for help. You might want to call and ask for an appointment without him present so that you can discuss these issues freely with your doctor. But for now, just keep a close eye on things and pray for him. It may well pass.