Dr Meeker, I (currently) have two little girls, aged 28 months and 14 months old. I love them both excessively! Even at such young ages, I am very aware that they are different people, with different likes and personalities. My eldest is reserved, quiet, thoughtful, and I love her for that. My youngest is loud, bubbly, talkative and cuddly, and I love her for that. How do I, as their daddy, love them both differently (because of their different likes/personalities/love languages), yet without causing sibling jealousy or rivalry? Little children perceive fairness and love in terms of 'my sister got a pink purse, so I want one too', and when they don't they think they're not loved as much. How can I do one thing with one daughter (for example going to the zoo), without necessarily doing the same with the other (rather instead going to a movie), all the while without causing disharmony? Particularly when children don't/can't understand that I can love each of them, but differently. Many thanks! ~Conscientious Dad
Dear Conscientious Dad-
I don’t think that you have anything in the world to worry about. Your love for each of your daughters as unique persons is evident in your writing and this love that you have in your heart for each is what really matters to them. Yes, your daughters will watch to see who gets what and how much time the other gets with you but most importantly each of your daughters will look at your face and figure out who you love most. So, if you feel the same intensity of love for each, that will show through very clearly.
I would suggest that as the girls grow, you show them that you love that they are very different. Applaud one’s strength in front of the other and vice versa. This will diffuse any sense of competition for your approval that they may feel. I think that it’s also important that you give each “special time” with Dad and then let them pick what they want to do with that time. That way, the choice of going to a movie or going to the zoo will be their’s, not your’s.
All siblings are competitive with one another and that’s not all bad. What you want to avoid as a father is having one feel that you favor her over the other. The only way that happens is if one parent genuinely favors one and “can’t help” but spend more time with her. Since you are right on top of things and clearly a sensitive, conscientious Dad, I really don’t think you need to worry.
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