Dear Dr. Meg,
We have 3 boys under 3 right now (17 months between each).. The oldest who is almost 4 has the hardest time with self control -- I am very diligent on trying to explain why and angle it in a thousand different ways but where he goes he is constantly putting his hands on other kids... Not always aggressive but needs touch... Smothering them at times... How can I get the concept of personal/individual space… ~Busy Mom of 3
Dear Busy Mom of 3-
At his age, he really can’t understand the idea of personal space because cognitively he doesn’t have the maturity. So trying to get him to understand is useless. Many children are very tactile - they want a lot of touch. The best way to help him is to make sure that he has a lot of toys with different textures - especially ones that he can take to bed with him.
If he isn’t being aggressive with other children but is smothering with his hugs and touching, keep your directions for keeping his hands to himself very simple. Tell him that he can’t touch other people that he doesn’t know (kids in school or at church.) Also, if he touches his siblings too much, I would find some alternative for him. Tell him that when he feels like touching others, he needs to go get a specific stuffed animal say. So rather than simply tell him “just don’t touch” you are giving him an option to do something else.
Finally, could he be reaching out for touch because he’s trying to get attention? If you think that this is the case, then I would encourage you or his dad to find a small amount of time (1 hour) once per week where you can take him do something alone together. It doesn’t have to be special time, just take him on errands with you alone. This can go a long way in filling that need for attention.
I find it sad that one hour a week is the recommendation. One hour a day isn't enough time for a child. How about a snuggly bedtime story every night? There are great books to share with kids of every age. Many are good ways of showing acceptable behavior to pattern.
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