Dear Dr. Meg,
Our family is going through a really tough time with our daughter in the first grade and we would like to see what you have to say about the situation.
We moved to our current area a year ago from another state. My daughter started Kindergarten at her school with friends who had been with each other through the PreK program. Overall, the school is wonderful: a private, Catholic academy with strong academics, and an emphasis on family and God. We are extremely happy with these elements, but socially, we are disappointed. Due to the small nature of the school, we see a lot of unnecessary drama. The problem we are having is our daughter is in a class with 4 girls and 7 boys. There is a lot of mean behaviors going on with the girls and our daughter has become the brunt of it.
One of the girls has removed herself from the group and although our daughter is friends with her, she doesn't always want to play what she plays (soccer). She wants to be silly and play imaginary, girlie stuff. The problem is the other two girls have created an on/off relationship with her. One minute they are kind and like her and the next they don't and are making mean faces, pushing her out of "the group," etc. The teacher is well aware of the situation and has contacted me numerous times concerned about her. She basically told me she doesn't understand why she wants to continue being friends with people who treat her bad. She said she is smart, kind, and has so much to offer. She is a leader in all areas of the classroom, but with these girls she is caught up with trying to make them be her friend. One in particular. The one who dictates who is in the "in" for a friend that day. They've all been to the principal and read the book "Have you filled a bucket today" and the teacher said our daughter is doing everything she should, but there are still problems. She moved the seats in the class to put her up front so she won't be distracted by any mean gestures, but now she is so worried they are being mean or talking behind her back she turns around to look. Ordinarily, she is a great student and does fantastic academically. She was upset a couple days ago because another classmate separated the two girls from her in line while walking to lunch. I asked her why this made her upset and she said she was worried if they separated from her they wouldn't like her again when they were back together.
We have rolled played with her, told her to ignore the behavior even when it makes her sad, and if they don't want to be her friend to find someone else to play with. The problem is there are not a lot of outlets because she wants to play with her class. We said she can come home and let any sadness out with us or if she can't wait she can talk to the teacher or write her a note. In some instances, she has done the right thing, like telling the girls "no one is excluded, but everyone is included" when they tried to leave her out. The only problem is we are afraid now that there is almost an unhealthy obsession for her to be around one of the girls she favors out of the two and we think it stems from the uncertainty of their friendship. This one is also the one who picks who is her "in" friend for the day. Also, from some of the things my daughter told me I think this girl can be manipulative. She told my daughter she had to follow her on the playground (not sure for what) or she wouldn't be her best friend. We told our daughter it's the right thing to be nice to her, but going out of her way to run up and hug every chance she can get and constantly wanting to be around her for everything is not healthy. At least not with the dynamic of this friendship because a part of me believes in a healthy, young girl friendship that is what they do? The problem is this becomes one-sided and seems to create problems. Do you have any suggestions on how we can deal with this situation? What books we can read with her? What steps to take, etc.?
Thank you,
Mom
Dear Mom,
Much of what these girls are exhibiting is, sadly normal for many kindergarten girls. The real problem for your daughter is that the class is too small for her to find other girls who don't behave this way. You are doing many wonderful things to help your daughter and I really wouldn't worry about why she feels she needs to please the bully at this point because she will grow out of this.
I do have a suggestion for the teacher, however. She needs to have the bully sit at the front of the class and take her aside and have a strong talk. No more being nice about shunning your daughter. She needs to tell the bully that this is not acceptable and she needs to isolate the bully rather than allow the other girls to be isolated. If you isolate one ring leader, the others will get the message. Also, if she asks girls to come together in different groups in order to solve puzzles or do some team work on a regualr basis, this can help the bully learn to work better with the kids.
Some of these dynamics will pass as the years go on. There will always be a child or two in every class who needs attention by being mean to others. The important thing for your daughter to do as she advances through school is to find one (maybe two) other children- boys or girls- who will remain her friends. This will make it far easier for her to ignore the bullies' behaviors.
If things heat up and your daughter gets more isolated and the other girls' behaviors get meaner, you may need to put her in a different school. But I wouldn't do this unless you see that your daughter's really disliking it. As I said, many of these things will pass, particularly as the class grows in size in the next years.
God Bless,
Dr. Meg
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