Should a married man visit his parents even if his wife say NO?

Dr. Dr. Meg,

How should the relationship of a grown son be with his parents after he gets married? Should the son call/visit his parents even if his wife tells him not to? Should he forsake his parents for the sake of pleasing his wife? Is it OK to hold his children as leverage to get what he wants?( his parents can only see the kids when it is convenient for him and his wife or when they want something in return) - Mom

Dear Mom-

Once a man is married, biblically, he “cleaves” to his wife. That means, of course, that he binds himself to her and separates himself from his parents. The problem for many men, however, is that when they cleave to their wives, they stick to their wives’  good sides and their bad sides. That’s the tough news for us wives.

I believe that wives must do everything possible to help husbands have healthy relationships with their parents. If he has unresolved hurts, she should help him heal those. If he has never gotten along with them, she should do whatever she can to smooth things over between him and his parents.

Many men have unhealthy relationships with their parents and this can be tough for wives. Some men are tied to their mothers in unhealthy ways and talk with them every day and ask for their advice on too many issues. Of course, this would make a wife jealous. Rather than criticizing his mother and telling him not to speak with her, it would be far more effective to help him recognize that perhaps there are unhealthy parts of the relationship and help him understand those so that he can change them. Once you get to the point of “forbidding him” to see his folks, you have gotten to the point where he’s forced to choose sides and no one wins when that happens.

As far as forsaking his parents to please his wife, ideally men should never be in a position where they are forced to choose. If they are in that situation, either the wife or the parent is acting extremely unreasonable. Sure, if his parents are abusive, always drunk when you visit or excessively cruel to his family, it is perfectly reasonable for a wife to tell him that she will no longer visit until they behave but it may not be reasonable to demand that her husband stop seeing them. If he wants to subject himself to their bad behavior, that’s his prerogative.

Of course, fathers should never use their children as pawns in a relationship. Problems between adults should stay between the two with the problem and children must always be left out of the middle. They should never be used as leverage for anyone to get what they want.