Raising a Young Child While Dealing with a Difficult Divorce

Dr. Meeker

I am writing to you in desperation. I need your advice as well as input on a situation I am dealing with. I know you must be a very busy person and you may not have the time. I am a soon to be single father of a 5 1/2 year old little girl. My older brother gave me your book when my daughter was a couple of months from being born. Since that time I have either read or listened to your book on tape about every 6 to 8 months. It is, without a doubt, my favorite book.

I am a licensed professional. I was the assistant manager before I quit to be a stay-at-home Dad. I was at this particular facility my entire career (just over 21 years). Currently, I am going through a divorce and am in the midst of a very contentious custody dispute. My wife has numerous issues that date back to when she was not even a teenager. She is also adopted. Its because of this, I don't feel she is capable of being a good parent. After serving me divorce papers, I needed to vent. I did so by writing a very long letter detailing a lot (but not all) of what she has and has not done. I haven't given it to her, yet, because of the ongoing custody dispute. We have recently been assigned a PRE (Parental Responsibilities Evaluator) to help determine parenting time and custody. My wife wants a 50/50 split. I feel it is in my daughter's best interest that it be no more than 70/30 at this time. I would like for you to read this letter and give me your thoughts. It is long- 23 pages and if you don't comfortable for whatever reason, I understand. Let me know and I can email it to you. Thank you for your time.

A Desperate Dad

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Dear Desperate Dad-

Thank you for your letters regarding your pain over the divorce and custody battles that you are experiencing with your wife and daughter. I am so sorry that you are going through this. And yes, I have read every word that you wrote about your wife's issues. I have a few suggestions for you.

First, regarding your wife's ongoing affairs and boyfriends coming and going out of her home, this is very harmful for your daughter. As a mother, I think that bringing other men into the picture while you have small children in the home is bad parenting. I feel strongly about this, so if any of you single Moms are reading, here's the best thing for your child: the child comes first and your romantic relationships must go on the back burner until your child is much older (at least well into the teen years.) If one parent has died, dating can be a different story. But when a divorce has occurred, in the child's eyes, there's one Mom and one Dad that she needs to connect with.

There is nothing that you can do to stop your ex-wife though. You could try reason, ask a counselor to tell her to stop, but I doubt that will work. Your only option is to have the court order her to stop bringing men over, citing that having a boyfriend around puts your daughter at a much higher risk for both sexual and physical abuse. But, the courts probably won't demand this from her.

Since your hands are tied, it is important for you to help your daughter. DON'T tell her that her mother is bad. This will only turn her against you because she has to get along with her Mom. Tell her that you disagree with her mother dating and that you are there at all times to talk to her about anything that happens at her mother's. Tell her that you aren't going to date because she is your number one priority now and that you are going to do things differently. Speak very cautiously so as not to malign her mother, even though you have anger towards her.

Take the high road, always. No dating, no bringing women over, just keep your home as calm and anxiety free as possible for your daughter so that she loves being there with you. Focus on her when she's there. Give her attention, take her to do fun things but also make sure to do regular things as well. Give her chores. Help her do her homework. Keep life "normal." I can tell you that I have seen many fathers in your situation before and the ones who end up having strong relationships with their daughters in the long run are those dads that continue to act like grown-ups, keep their home environments safe, orderly, calm and loving for their daughters. At some point in her life, your daughter is going to decide which way she wants to live. Does she want to run around with a lot of men or does she want to live a life of integrity, honesty and commitment? She will decide when she is in her twenties so your job is to continue to model this lifestyle until she gets there. Friend, you have a long way to go because she's young, but I strongly encourage you to hang in there. She's worth every bit of the work!

Finally, ask family for support if you have it available. Have your daughter spend time with other adults who think like you and aspire to live the way you do. The more adults she sees who aren't sexually promiscuous, who don't drink too much, who do have a strong faith, the more likely she is to adopt their lifestyles.

I know this feels overwhelming to you but you CAN raise a beautiful, strong, healthy daughter who doesn't grow up to do stupid things. Unfortunately for you, the responsibility rests on your shoulders alone because of her mother's behavior. But know one thing: every daughter looks up to her Dad to be her hero. So stop focusing on all the the bad things her mother is doing and focus on being that little girl's hero and you will win.